Being Real

Today I decided to take the risk of being real. This morning after we made love a huge wave of sadness hit me. Just a tsunami of grief, regret, sadness that would not lift. I did Pilates, drank coffee, said prayers, did my hair and make-up. But it would not shift. Was it the sex? Feeling close and then the rush to leave the house? That echo of other days when lovemaking was followed by hurried good-byes? Was it the weather? Cold and rainy and the first prediction of snow? A sadness and missing my other life when a snow day was fun and meant laughter and play? Was it cancer and caregiving--Always at the ready to break my heart? All I knew was that it was heavy on me and would not shift.

Now on top of that was all the internal “good girl” and “good girl friend” voices telling me that I need to be happy and bright and upbeat. The inner voices, Thanks Mom--that says “don’t be a drag” and “he doesn’t want to hear from you when you feel sad.”

But then I thought, “So is this a real relationship or not?” If we are a couple then he gets to see the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, the easy and the hard.

So I decided to be real and I called him and left a message saying how I really felt. I decided not hide who—and how—I am.