Being Real

Today I decided to take the risk of being real. This morning after we made love a huge wave of sadness hit me. Just a tsunami of grief, regret, sadness that would not lift. I did Pilates, drank coffee, said prayers, did my hair and make-up. But it would not shift. Was it the sex? Feeling close and then the rush to leave the house? That echo of other days when lovemaking was followed by hurried good-byes? Was it the weather? Cold and rainy and the first prediction of snow? A sadness and missing my other life when a snow day was fun and meant laughter and play? Was it cancer and caregiving--Always at the ready to break my heart? All I knew was that it was heavy on me and would not shift.

Now on top of that was all the internal “good girl” and “good girl friend” voices telling me that I need to be happy and bright and upbeat. The inner voices, Thanks Mom--that says “don’t be a drag” and “he doesn’t want to hear from you when you feel sad.”

But then I thought, “So is this a real relationship or not?” If we are a couple then he gets to see the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, the easy and the hard.

So I decided to be real and I called him and left a message saying how I really felt. I decided not hide who—and how—I am.

Facing The Feelings in Cancer and Caregiving

Friends have been shocked by my admission that I have had feelings of jealousy around John’s cancer. Others—who are caregivers --have said, “Yes, I felt that too” but they are sheepish or ashamed that they had what seems a terrible thought.

I have a fierce feeling about this: I don’t want to deny any of the thoughts or feelings that I am having as I go through this experience. I don’t want to miss this experience. I am living this and that is bad enough. I don’t want to add denial and pretense to the mix.

I learned a long time ago that there are no feelings that someone else has not had and few things that we have thought or done that someone else has not thought or done. I know that when someone—hearing of a shocking incident or a stunning admission says, “Can you imagine?” that the correct answer is always “Yes”. We are most often horrified by the things that we can imagine rather than the ones we cannot.

It is also why I am writing this blog. I want to record in one place what this was really like. I want one person to know how good and how bad loving someone with cancer can be. I want to challenge myself each day to skip the platitudes and the saccharine and face head on what this relationship with love and cancer is really like.