I Feel Bad

A woman at work asks about John. “How are things?” she says. She does not actually say his name. I tell her “it’s all relative. He is back to work, but…”

“He is so positive”, I say, “and he doesn’t talk about the pain.” I worry that others will not know that he is in pain. “And why do you care about what they think?” she asks. And I tell her that I am afraid that people won’t know that he is in pain and they may expect too much from him.

“Maybe” she says carefully, “Maybe you want people to know that you are in pain.”

She has nailed me.

I am in pain and there is no way to admit that. It feels like there is no acceptable way for that to exist. He has cancer and chemo and pain and neuropathy and fatigue.

What do I have?

Worry, grief, anger, and fear.