Whose Drama is It?

His brother says “I guess her view of things is more dramatic.” “Things" meaning cancer, chemo and caregiving. Maybe it was an innocent comment but I got dramatic when I heard that he said that. Part of the problem in this caregiving dance is the discrepancy between John’s presentation of his situation: “I’m fine; neuropathy is annoying, but I’m really quite ok.” Versus my view of this situation: He’s sick, tired, in pain and not able to do many things he did before which does make this hard for me.

Now here is the caregiver dilemma: Is he supposed to whine more so that I don’t look dramatic? Am I supposed to not admit that this is a hard experience because that may imply that he’s giving an edited account? I feel caught in the gap between what he’s telling and what I am experiencing. His brother—rightly perhaps, hears from John that he’s “fine just fine” wonders at my profession of difficulty and requests for help.

OK, for the record this makes me really sorry that I asked for help. Yes I am pouting now but this was my worst fear: that someone would think I was incompetent or unwilling to be the caregiver and this brother is suing the word “dramatic.” Ugh.

What it comes down to is that John has cancer and is going thru chemo and that is his real experience and he gets to tell whomever or no one about what that’s really like. He’s using a careful blend of denial and macho persona. I am not having chemo but I am having caregiving and it is exhausting. So do I accept his view of the world and invalidate mine? What are the politics of caregiver and sick person? Whose reality is it? And for what audience? If there’s a drama here then there has to be an audience.