It is a double whammy. Negotiating cancer and the relationship. Today we had an OR talk. OR is “Our Relationship” a standard feature of the new relationship: who are we, how are we, where do we go from here, your friends, my friends and why I spend more on shoes and organic food and why you wait for sales and never buy expensive produce.
But now you toss in cancer and chemo. Is he really this selfish or just feeling sick? Am I codependent or a good caregiver? Is he unwilling to make an effort or just tired from the chemo? Is this my habit of pulling away or am I reasonably cautious about what I and we are facing?
I long for familiarity and fear it at the same time. Cancer changes the trajectory and the timing. I want to relax. Ready for that time of no fussing of being able to go “as me”. Can I skip shaving my legs? Can he floss in front of me? Wearing the old tee shirt for pj’s? For any couple there is loss and gain in reaching that familiar place. Less sex, a different romance but more and deeper love. How much is making an effort and how much is taking it all for granted and the pleasure and security in knowing you can. But cancer changes that too. The future is not just ours but belongs to cancer too. We can say what we’d like to do someday but cancer is keeping the master calendar.
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