I Don't Want to Miss Anything

I don’t want to miss anything. That is the opposite pole to I can’t do everything. Yes caregiving is hard; yes loving a man with cancer is stressful. Yes I am scared. But I don’t want to miss this. We didn’t choose cancer. We never imagined that in our first year together we’d be facing cancer and chemo and scary doctor’s appointments. A year ago e had planned a very different life together.

But cancer it is and chemo too. It literally is a relationship on steroids.

I say to myself yes it’s hard and I am scared. I could lose him but I don’t want to miss this. This incredible man is with me and in front of me and he has cancer and I don’t want to miss one second of it. That’s what also makes asking for help difficult. I want to do everything. I don’t want to miss making a meal or going to chemo or even seeing his pain.

I’m not quite at saying I’m grateful but I know enough to know that there are gifts here and they may be hidden in the grocery store, the doctor’s office or in a painful conversation sitting on the couch—and I don’t want to miss that. I don’t want to miss anything.