I Want Cancer Too

My doctor leaves me a message. She has the results from my recent blood work. I’m nervous. A call from a doctor has a new layer now—even for routine things like a physical or test results. Will she tell me that my Cholesterol is lower or will she say, “There is a problem.” I think of Jane Kenyon dying before her husband who had colon cancer. My imagination takes off. I imagine bad news and what would I do? I think, I could not do chemo. I could no do what John is doing.

But there is another layer to my imaginings. Maybe I could have cancer too and then we could share this. Some part of this is about wanting to be important and special—like a four-year-old who wants a broken arm or crutches like the other kid. But under that is this: I want cancer too so I don’t have to be left alone.