Anxiety

Big anxiety today. All thru my body and in every pore. The most awful feeling. A new year begins the day after Labor Day. This is my favorite time of the year but colored this year by loss and fear of loss, worry about John and worry about me. Will he be OK? Can I do this? What happens when he gets more ill? When the side effects are harder? If he can’t work? Can I support us? Can I support him? Who will support me? All of those questions and more. I try so hard to stay in this day. I write this in my journal:

Be in this day.
Look down at your feet.
Be where your feet are.
(Codependence is looking down at someone else’s feet.)

I keep saying to myself: Be in this day. John is well today. He went to work today. I am OK today.

So much is good but I see movement behind the curtain, just off stage. Something is back there. Something is just out of sight that scares me.

Cancer.