I Can't Do Everything

I can’t do everything. This is my mantra right now. I keep saying it in my head, “I can’t do everything, I can’t do everything…” I’m trying to convince myself that this is true and that it is OK.

But it’s also true that I have done almost everything and I do a lot. I have always managed to do so much: a job, home, writing career, community work, recovery, a busy social and cultural life and some amount of self-care. I get things done. I do more than the average bear.

But now I can’t.

It snuck up on me. One errand too many. Having to take care of the car by myself, or do the grocery shopping all the time now. The dry cleaning. The small things he cannot do because of fatigue or neuropathy or pain. Something has to give and it’s not as easy as it might seem to discern what that is.

Will my job matter five years from now? Probably not but we do have to pay the bills and if he gets disabled because of chemo then my income is all we will have. Writing? Do I give that up? What happens to my soul if I walk away from that? Besides writing is how I cope and how I know what is happening inside and around me. Hence, this blog. Community work? Yeah, most of that can go for now. The errands, yes reluctantly I can let people help with those things.

I am working my way to this. I am trying to get it. I can’t do everything.