Lying Awake

At 4am I am awake. I look across my pillow and watch him sleeping. He looks like a boy. His short hair slicked back, his strong cheek bones and long nose make a sharp profile. He is handsome and he is asleep. I know that he is in pain but he will not say it. His mouth hurts but he says, “It’s annoying.” He is tired but he jokes and says, “Loving you keeps me awake too much.” It’s true we love each others bodies. But at this hour I am sad and I am scared. In two hours I will make coffee and he will shave, I will go walk and he will read the sports section, I will check my to-do list several times and he will check his email and phone. His sons do not call. They are still angry that he left their mother. She is angry too. All of that weighs on him. But for now—for this moment --he is asleep. I hope, for this moment, that cancer is too.