Women, Cancer and Sexual Pain

When I was growing up my mother loved Ann Landers and Dear Abby. She read them and I learned to read them too. Both writers offered good advice and a picture too of just how dysfunctional families could be. Tolstoy was right.

As a young woman I had a strong reaction to the letters from women of a certain age who wrote to say, “Why doesn’t my husband leave me alone?” They would describe how the man in their life badgered them for sex and they hated it. “Why can’t we just cuddle?” And I would think, “I never want to be one of those women.”

Now that I am woman of a certain age I am more sympathetic but I still don’t want to be “one of those women”. I like sex. But, something that we don't talk about is sexual pain. I wonder now how many of Ann Landers correspondents really meant it when they said that it was a pain to keep having sex?

In today’s New York Times the wonderful Jane Brody writes about women and sexual pain and specifically relates it to cancer treatment and treatment side effects. I thought, “Yes, this is for the Love in the Time of Cancer folks, and it’s also for most women I know –including those who are not dealing with cancer. Chemotherapy wreaks havoc with women’s hormones, as does positive cancer treatments and so do aging, perio-menopause and menopause and post-menopause.

Dryness, tears, pain, no elasticity—and who knew that your vagina could get shorter? All this for women with and without cancer.

But the point Brody makes—the reason I stated writing this blog --is that so few oncologists and medical folks talk to patients and couples about sex, sexual issues and sexual side effects. So thank you Jane Brody!

The article (click below for the link) gives suggestions, recommendations, remedies and references. Hooray!

Here it is: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/08/06/persistence-is-key-to-treating-vaginal-pain/?smid=pl-share

Why Women Love Bull Durham

The past couple of nights I have been watching Bull Durham. This is the movie from 1988 with Kevin Costner playing an aging catcher in the minor leagues. This is a movie that appears to be about baseball life with its travails and hopes and the desperate desires of men who want to play ball for a living. It is seemingly a men’s movie with all the swearing and ass slapping and drinking and real life baseball lore. But no, this really is THE all time best chick flick.

Yes, we love Kevin Costner from the first moment he arrives in the locker room wearing his navy blazer, rumpled white shirt and the khakis that are the perfect shade of tan with a hint of olive. He’s a manly man who in the first 20 minutes gives the fabulous, if too artful, monologue about his beliefs which includes, “I believe in the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back…that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap”, and which ends with his belief in “long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days”.

Yes! You had us at “long, slow and deep”—and yes, at the Susan Sontag critique too.

But there is a later scene that truly outs women for what they really want.“Do you want to dance?” Sarandon asks Costner, sitting in the kitchen late at night. He says yes, but surprises her by not dancing but instead by sweeping all the food and dishes off the kitchen table onto the floor. He spins Sarandon onto that now empty table and they go at it rolling and clutching.

Oh, that’s part of it. We want a man to want us that much; we want a man who wants to make love a second time so much that he goes for it on the kitchen table. We do want that kind of passion in our lives. But, there is something else in this scene that truly makes this a women’s dream come true.  What most women truly desire is not what Costner does, but what Sarandon does NOT do. As all of her dishes and the leftover food crash onto the floor Sarandon allows herself to be swept onto that table instead of diving for a broom, or a dish cloth or saying to her lover, “Hold on just a second, I’ll clean this up and then meet you in the bedroom.”

No, she is in the moment and desires this man and this sex more than she desires a clean floor or neat kitchen. She wants the rapture of this man and his body even with cereal and milk oozing under the fridge. And she is not saying, “Oh God that was my mother’s china bowl.” Nope, she’s on that table fucking her brains out.

Oh, to be that kind of woman. We assume the power is in the man, that to be taken that way would free us. But what we see in Bull Durham is a woman who CAN be taken. She is not a woman thinking, “When did we last wash these sheets?” while a man is going down on her.

Oh, we do wish for a partner to love us with such sweet abandon, but Sarandon, in Bull Durham, shows us a woman who can abandon herself. 

Sex is Good

Well, that's the message of the article in today's Times Union by health advocate Lynda Shrager. In this perfect Valentine's Day piece she makes a strong case for more sex for everybody. What's never quite clear in stories like this tho is whether "sex twice a week" means orgasm twice a week. We know that you can have a lot of sex with out both partners having an orgasm. So does the one who comes get all the health benefits?

And if that's true do the benefits accrue if your "partner" runs on batteries? That's the problem with euphemism; we are left in the dark even when the lights are on. But to be on the safe--and healthy--side go for the O on Valentine's Day.

Here's the link to Lynda's column. Her health advice is always great so do bookmark this one:

http://www.timesunion.com/living/article/It-feels-good-and-does-you-good-3247062.php

The Big--Happy--O!

Ok, here is one wild sex fact. (And more evidence for why we should be talking about sex in CancerLand.) Today I read an article about women and orgasms in the November/December issue of “Healthy Life” magazine. I read this: “Gordon Gallup, Jr., a psychology professor at SUNY Albany found that Prostaglandin, a hormone present in semen, is a natural antidepressant.”

It continues, “In a 2002 study of nearly 300 women, Gallup found that those who frequently had sex without condoms had significantly fewer symptoms of depression than those who were not regularly exposed to semen.”

Wow. Imagine the pick-up lines. “I just want to make you happy, baby.” And do you like that careful wording, “exposed to semen”. Prozac, Paxil or BJ?

Oh God!

The downside to being an atheist is that you have no one to cry out to in the throes of an orgasm.

Kegels

Kegels are on the list of things we don’t talk about with our friends. But we should. We really should. If sex isn’t satisfying it is mostly because it’s not pleasurable. And it’s not pleasurable because we’re not having orgasms or not having them often enough or with the intensity to send those endorphins loose.

Strengthening your pelvic floor muscles makes the difference.

I wish that someone had told me about Kegels 20 years ago. So I am telling you. You can click on the link below to the Mayo Clinic website for an explanation and discussion.

There should be public service announcements about Kegels. Book groups should talk about Kegels. Weight Watchers should have handouts on Kegels: Want to eat less? Have more orgasms—do your Kegels!


http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/kegel-exercises/WO00119

There is Even a Diet for It

I knew that Kegels were crucial to having orgasms and to “improving” them—and I’m all about self-improvement—but I didn’t know that there is more you can do. Turns out there is even a diet.

Yep, “The Orgasm Diet” by Marenna Lindberg. It’s a pretty serious book about the biochemistry of sexual response and how food and diet—and Kegels—can improve things. You can get this from most library systems or if you don’t want to make eye contact with the check out lady at your library, buy it used on Amazon.

High on the “Should” list in The Orgasm Diet: Omega 3’s (you know they are good for everything), Calcium and Magnesium, Extra Vitamin C, and one ounce of high quality dark chocolate very day.

And on the “Don’t” list: saturated fat (duh), caffeine (oh, no!) and soy products (surprise). Turns out that soy disrupts hormonal responses—that’s why many women take it during menopause—but it can also disrupt the orgasmic response too. You don’t have to eliminate all soy but you don’t want a soy-a-day diet if you also want the O-response.

There is also a ton of good, practical information in this book about how women’s bodies work and how sexual arousal works and a specific and practical plan for incorporating Kegels into your life.

What Friends Don't Tell Each Other

Part of why it takes so long to learn how to make sex good is that we don’t talk about it enough. Now that may seem crazy if you think about the number of times sex is mentioned in movies, magazines and on TV. But really talk about it? Not so much.

Think about your closest gal pals and what you know about them and what they know about you. We’re told how hard it is to talk about money. Do you know how much your friends make? If they have family money? The amount of debt they have?

And what about your friend’s spiritual life: Do they believe in God? Do you know who prays and when and how?

Money and God is a lot of intimate info to know about a person. And then there is sex.

Now the odd thing is that you may know about some really personal stuff about your closest friends. You know about the difficult childhood and the deep wounds carried from parents or siblings. You may know about family illnesses: mental illness and addiction and alcoholism. You talk about the secret shames of the workplace, the tensions in marriages, the pain from breakups. You may even know about the secret surgeries---the eye job her husband doesn’t even know she had on your “girl’s weekend”. But do you know if she does Kegels?

Yeah Kegels. How could a close friend not talk to her closest women friends about Kegels? Do you do yours? Does she do hers? Have you talked about how much better sex is with a regular Kegels routine?

And masturbation. We believe that we are free, open minded and liberal but have you ever told a woman friend that you had a great time—alone—after a stressful week at work? Do you know if she prefers erotica and what kinds?

Imagine your best friend in the world and the parts of her life you don’t know about. And start talking. Everyone will be happier.

What I Didn't Know

When I was 25 I knew so little about sex. When I was 30 I thought I knew some things but I still knew so little. At 35 I was learning how to give pleasure, but it took ten more years to begin to learn how to receive it.

I knew that “older” people had sex. When I was 30 my mother who had been widowed many years, was, at age 70, in a new marriage. She told me that she and Donald had sex almost every day. I thought “good for her”. But I also thought, “How good could it really be?”

Now I know. And I’m sorry I laughed when people said that sex gets better as you age. I didn’t know. Now I do.

At 58 sex is better than I ever imagined. Yes, I wish my skin was smoother and I wish my skin didn’t sag—especially at certain angles. Confidence is part of it. And learning what works. And being fearless about trying things, and trying them again.

Many years ago I read Helen Gurley Brown’s book about women and middle age. She wrote that a woman over 50 has to decide that she wants an orgasm and then go for it. I didn’t, exactly, know what she meant.

Now I do.

Hope 2011 An Evening for Women Cancer Survivors--and Their Friends.

For women in the New York Capital Region area—please mark your calendar for this evening/dinner event: provocative conversation, humor, gourmet healthy dinner and Miche handbags!


Join us for:   H.O.P.E. 2011: Honoring Female Cancer Survivors:
Opening Up Communication * Providing Education * Empowering Lives

Date: Thursday September 15th, 2011

Location: Hilton Garden Inn 235 Hoosick Street Troy, New York

 A Healthy Gourmet Supper with Presentations: “Difficult Conversations”

The Fear of Mammography and Colon Screening
Sabrina Mosseau BS,RN,OCN – Administrative Director Medical Oncology and Women’s Health; Samaritan Hospital Cancer Treatment Center

The Silence about Sex and Intimacy
Diane Cameron Pascone – Director of Development - Unity House Troy, Contributing writer to the Times Union

The Importance of Money Strategies for Women
Christopher Nuss MBA, ChFC, CLU,CLTC – Wealth Management Advisor – Northwestern Mutual Financial Network

Time: Registration @ 5:30pm Dinner and Presentations @ 6pm

There is a $15.00 fee to attend this program. This will be collected at the door.

Registration required by September 9th to Sabrina Mosseau @ 518-271-3324 or mosseaus@nehealth.com

Infidelity Keeps Us Together

That’s the title of yesterday’s cover story in the New York Times magazine. Mark Oppenheimer writes about sex columnist Dan Savage and Savage’s suggestion that marriages need less fidelity and more flexibility. Basically what Savage is suggesting is that monogamy isn’t quite natural and that we do relationships a disservice by pretending or insisting that absolute monogamy be the standard.

What’s good is that Savage is not espousing secrets or affairs or running around—rather he’s advocating for talking to your partner before, after, and during marriage to say, “This is who I really am; what I really want; and “Will you still love me if I need to try this out?” In a way, he’s talking about a very high form of commitment.

But just the title and then reading the article was disturbing. (Click on the link below to read the article). Right away I found myself asking, “What if John said he needed something –some kind of sexual experience—I couldn’t offer or even try?” Would I love him enough to say, “Ok, go be you?”

I doubt it.

In the article other experts on sex and marriage weigh in to say that some open marriages work but most do not—not because of the sex but because of the emotions and the dishonesty—again, not the dishonesty of the partner who needs to go outside the relationship but the dishonesty of the partner who agrees or acquiesces and then realizes they really are not OK with that.

But then the bigger and more personal question to myself is this: Do I have the right to want and insist on monogamy and fidelity in our marriage? This is a marriage that came to be from infidelity—so did I forfeit my rights by marrying a man who left his wife? Or do we painfully know just how high the cost is and not wish that on ourselves or on any others?

Reading this article provoked a deep and daring conversation with John about our love life and our sex life and our intellectual lives—and how we keep all of those alive so we can keep things fresh and exciting. And what it means to be sexually “good, giving and game” in a monogamous marriage.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/03/magazine/infidelity-will-keep-us-together.html

Pure Romance

In the Sex and Cancer workshop a few weeks ago I got to hear Vickie Yattaw, who is a Registered Nurse and Oncology Educator. She provided a lot of resources. One was the company, Pure Romance—a “sensuality toy company”. Vickie recommended some of their lubricants for women during and after chemo and cancer.

These products are, of course, great for women during and after menopause as well. So I went online to www.PureRomance.com to place my first order. I’ll keep you posted on the products—I bought one that is pretty basic and one that is described as “chocolate” and “tingling”. We’ll see.

But the best part of my little adventure on the Pure Romance site is the founder—Patty Brisbane’s -- blog called “Under the Sheets”. She writes about couples and communication. It is the most delightful thing to see sex framed in the context of good communication and good relationships.

http://www.pureromance.com/

Courage Sex and Cancer

Tonight, for the first time, I feel like I really get what courage means in CancerLand.

I was part of a panel at The American Cancer Society Hope Club in Latham, New York. We were bravely and boldly discussing what sex is and can be when a partner has cancer or/and is receiving treatment—or what happens after treatment to men’s and women’s bodies.

Much of my perspective is represented on this blog—the crazy hunt for honest and frank information, my belief that sex is so important especially during cancer—that when a couple is faced with the pain and fear and just plain crap of cancer that a healthy sexual relationship is a way to keep love strong and to boldly defy thanatos—the death wish.

So I read and spoke to all of that. And then…

And then Vicki Yattaw, RN from the CR Woods Cancer Center spoke about sex and cancer. Oh my God—this was the sex talk that every woman wants to hear—with or without cancer Vickie had the info, advice, perspective and loving humor on everything from how to have sex in every possible way, during every kind of health crisis, how to boost your own libido and help a partner boost theirs, and even “BoBs”—battery operated boyfriends.

Her information blew me away. I thought I shocked the crowd by sharing my story of having to ask John’s oncologist, “Can I swallow?” (The doc didn’t know). Vickie not only knew—(wait 48 hours after chemo) but she explained how people with colostomies have sex (they do and it can be great) and how orgasms decrease nerve pain and make you look younger. Yes!

I’ll share more of her info here in the next few weeks. But I have to say now that the best speakers of the evening were the participants in the group: some couples and many singles who had or have cancer and who want a sexual life now and later. People spoke so deeply and honestly—because Vickie set the stage for all of us to use sexual words—and showed me that everyone—young or old, plain or pretty, coupled or not—want good sex lives.

And thanks to Tracy Pitcher, MSW—Director of The Hope Club and Vickie Yattaw RN—there is the start of open conversation about love—and sex!--in the time of cancer.

Sex Ed for Cancer and Caregivers

Next Monday night The Hope Club (formerly Gilda’s Club) in Latham New York will host and evening of Sex and Cancer. It will be a panel presentation and open discussion about the anatomy, physiology, chemistry, etiquette, hope, fear and what real people really do when they make love in the time of cancer. I’ll be part of a panel that will provide information, education and lots of opinions and laughter too. And refreshments!

The panel includes Tracy Pitcher, Director of The Hope Club and Outreach for the American Cancer Society and Vickie Yattaw, RN—nurse educator—who does lots of education around sex and cancer. So bring a friend and come join the discussion.

Monday June 13th 6 to 8 pm at The Hope Club One Penny Lane—off Wade Road—off exit 6 of Route 87 Latham, New York

Save the Date: Sex and Cancer

There are a lot of things to feel squeamish about with cancer. But sex isn’t—or shouldn’t be—one of them. So here is a chance to listen, learn, talk and ask questions about sex and cancer. Mark your calendar:

Monday June 13th --7 pm to 9 pm

at The American Cancer Society Hope Club (formerly Gilda’s Club)

One Penny Lane—off Wade Road—off exit 6 of Route 87 Latham, New York

There will be a panel presentation and open discussion about the anatomy, physiology, chemistry, etiquette, hope, fear and what real people really do when making love in the time of cancer. I will be part of the panel along with other experts on cancer, caregiving and sex.

Sex Education

When I was in Junior High there was a popular song called “Get Yourself a College Girl”. The boppy, beach-boy lyric went like this: “”Get yourself a college girl, a well-read book, a knowledge girl. Get yourself a coll-edge girl.”

I hummed that song all the time—maybe thinking it was affirmation that skinny but smart girls like me could be just as desirable as my classmate Bethany Springer, who started wearing a bra in Grade Six.

Now I am reading the new book, The Social Animal, by New York Times columnist, David Brooks and last night my eyes were opened by this paragraph:

“Men want to do the same sexual acts regardless of education levels, but female sexual preferences differ by education, culture and status level. Highly educated women are much more likely to perform oral sex, engage in same-sex activity and experiment with a variety of other activities than less-educated women. Religious women are less adventurous than nonreligious women, though the desires of religious men are not much different than those of secular ones.”

I guess a little learning goes—and comes—a long way.

The "C" Word

Oh no, oh yes…the “C” word again.

Last week I was at an oncology-hematology center that is near where I work. This time I was there for me. It just happened to be the most convenient place to have some blood work done that my doctor requested as part of my annual checkup. But what was I thinking? It’s a chemo place! And it had all the same sights and sounds and smells as the place that I went to with John for 16 months. I had so underestimated the impact and so did not understand how much creeping trauma I was still carrying around just based on that environment.

But I did my time in the lab and had to wait for the nurse so I did what I always do—I raided their magazine stash. Same stuff: CURE Magazine, Breast Cancer Magazine, Your Chemo Today—why would anyone want to read that stuff? But read I do and so I pick up “Your Guide to Chemotherapy” because on the cover it said: “Sex, Intimacy & Cancer” and I thought, “Hey, here it is the article I have been waiting for.”

But sadly no. The article about Sex, Intimacy and Cancer was about—yes—the “C” word: Cuddle. More bad guidance from Cancer Land where everyone cuddles and no one gets laid.

I really hate these chemo-cuddle stories. They are infantilizing and demoralizing. I know they mean to be helpful but I just gotta believe it would be so much more helpful to say, “No stiffy? Here’s what ya do” or “Your partner may need to F*** like a bunny just to feel alive so go with the flow.”

Here is a maybe 600 word article on SEX and not once do they use the words penis or vagina. That is just sad. What it says to readers is, “Not only do you have cancer but we think you are stupid too.”

And—I’m steamed up here—“Taking a long walk together” is NOT “part of sex”. Unless, that is, you are walking to the porn shop or to the bed room in a really big house.”

Sex

Sex becomes so important when I think about him dying. But that makes sense, doesn’t it? Sex is generation and death, annihilation.

Sexual Healing

I do believe that sex is life giving. It is for me. Maybe I overestimate the power of sex or my own sexual power but there are moments when I think, “Every time he has an orgasm I am saving his life.” Ok, maybe that’s a kind of a ramped up, X-rated Florence Nightingale but there is something to it. Libido is life force. An orgasm is “le petit mort”—a little death. Sex is a little life and a little death.

Sex and Intimacy

It’s been a long time coming but finally an article about sex and cancer. Check out this very good article in the Summer 2010 issue of CURE Magazine. Written by Lacey Meyer the article discusses the challenges, feelings, fears and the shame. The article talks about libido, erectile dysfunction, hormonal changes and the conversations required. Yes, she does include the requisite bit on cuddling—oh please! But brave Lacey Meyer she also talks about masturbation and vibrators and pleasure.

Here is the link:

http://www.curetoday.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/article.show/id/2/article_id/1484