The Normal Bar for Happy Relationships

If you don't have a gift for your Valentine yet here's a suggestion that will give back over the next year. I've just started reading, "The Normal Bar--Surprising Secrets of of Happy Couples" and it is eye opening from the start. I'll be writing more about this juicy book over the next week.

You would expect great, well-documented information from the trio of authors: Chrisanna Northrup, Pepper Schwartz and James Witte. All great writers and accurate digesters of information who have a high skill to put research into relevant lay language.

This book is not about Cosmo quizzes and what works for your friend. It's longitudinal social science research translated into, "Try This!" And we can all use some of that.

And you might be thinking, "A relationship book as a Valentine's gift?" But yes...the only implied message is "I love you and I want more." But just to be on the safe side, add some dark chocolate.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Whose Cancer is It?

Here is one of the toughest things about cancer and caregiving—whose cancer is it? And who bears the consequences? Yes, I know it’s really his. It’s his body after all. But, here’s an example: He’s in pain. I hand him the phone. He won’t call the doc. I find a specialist. He won’t ask. I say, “Try this.” He says, “Later”. He doesn’t sleep. So neither do I.

Yes, he is the person with cancer but do I get a vote?

I don't want to be part of the cancer conspiracy. I wait too long to say, “That pain could be related to your cancer.” But when are decisions around his cancer only his? When are they mine --or ours? His denial impacts  my sleep, work, activities, and life. So whose cancer is it?

Talk about a valiant battle with cancer.

 Grrrrrrrr.

(Yes, I am afraid.)

How We Survived Prostate Cancer

I mentioned Victoria Hallerman’s book, “How We Survived Prostate Cancer”, last week. It jumped off the shelf into my hands at the local bookstore because of the word “We” in the title.

She had me at “we”. Victoria is a wife, and her husband has prostate cancer and the book is about both of them as they go through this experience. That’s been something I care deeply about and why I write and speak about relationships and cancer. I see how often spouses and partners are left out of the equation by the medical community. Yes, there’s that obsequious nod to caregivers in the magazines and by professionals –but we’ll know they mean it when caregiver services are part of the deductible.

Hallerman’s book is terrific. The subtitle also tells you a lot: “What we did and what we should have done.” So as you can guess, she tells their mistakes, missteps and shares a lot about the hard parts they had to go through. And she writes a lot about their sexual experiences and sexual consequences and the cost and gain to their marriage—and she does not sugar coat it. A man with no testosterone and extra estrogen is not sexy, and when he is also incontinent, grouchy and physically ill—for a long time—it’s not a made for TV movie romance.

But that is what makes me love this book and Hallerman. I know that cancer and caregiving are not made for TV movies. Those movies hurt more than they help. But truth, honesty, humor and woman-to-woman talking have always helped me.

Yes, the book is about Hallerman’s experience with her husband’s prostate cancer but this book and its ideas translate immediately into any other cancer diagnosis. It’s about what they did and didn’t do as a couple and the medical and emotional costs of those choices. This book will be valuable if your cancer is breast or brain or lung or colon. If you have a partner in the battle read this book.

Love in the Time of Cancer

Here is a true story of Love in the Time of Cancer. This is from today's New York Times from Tara Parker-Pope who writes the "Well" column in the Times' Health section. This inspires humility. Not just two cancers but a baby too. Click below and read on:


http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/04/11/a-couples-knot-tied-tighter-by-dual-diagnoses/

Sex and Intimacy

It’s been a long time coming but finally an article about sex and cancer. Check out this very good article in the Summer 2010 issue of CURE Magazine. Written by Lacey Meyer the article discusses the challenges, feelings, fears and the shame. The article talks about libido, erectile dysfunction, hormonal changes and the conversations required. Yes, she does include the requisite bit on cuddling—oh please! But brave Lacey Meyer she also talks about masturbation and vibrators and pleasure.

Here is the link:

http://www.curetoday.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/article.show/id/2/article_id/1484