Yesterday was John’s colonoscopy. We were at the hospital before 7am and he was done by 10. I was pleased that I was finally able to pray for acceptance no matter what the outcome might be and was able to pray to be present for him –and not just think about myself—though that was hard. The fear fantasies and scenarios of how this might unfold had me stuck in a pretty selfish place.
I left him in his room and got a beeper in the waiting room. It seemed like time flew and the beeper summed me to the recovery room. When I walked into an empty room I panicked fearful that they were planning to talk to us in private and I know what that means. But then he was rolled in—pretty drugged and dozy—and the nurses started reading from his chart. She had to say “No sign of cancer” three times before it registered that she was telling me this. I started to cry. I had not realized that I had been holding so tight. “No sign of cancer”.
For the rest of the day I kept saying to him, “So you’re going to live.” And he said, “and live with you.”
That was sweet.
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