The Twelve Steps Help Caregivers Too

I was in a Twelve Step meeting yesterday and as I listened to how people apply the practice of the 12 steps to many parts of their lives like with work, kids, in-laws, money etc. I started thinking about applying the steps to cancer and caregiving.

If you’ve not been exposed to the original Twelve Steps that derive from Alcoholics Anonymous you can click on this link

http://www.aa.org/en_pdfs/smf-121_en.pdf

But I thought that they could be applied to caring for someone with cancer. You are the experts here so I’d love to hear your interpretation of how you’d apply the 12 steps to caregiving, but here is my quick and from the gut interpretation:

       ONE We admitted we were powerless…powerless over Cancer, over illness, over some doctors. And note that it says “we”…have to let that “we” into caregiving. I know how hard that is.

    TWO Came to believe…yes we need to believe in something bigger than us and bigger than cancer. Maybe it’s God or a Higher Power or maybe its Grace or Nature or the Ocean…just bigger than me.

      THREE Made a decision to turn it over…humility here..asking for help and surrender. Not giving up but surrendering that allows the universe to move and help us.

      FOUR Made a searching and fearless inventory…what of my stuff is getting in the way? My resentment? Being a control freak? Anger I am ashamed to admit to? Don’t be afraid to name it.

       FIVE Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being….this is the Support Group step. If you have felt it, said it or done it someone else has too. Reaching out to others, finding a safe place to say all of it.

       SIX Entirely ready to have …asking for spiritual help too. A pastor, chaplain, spiritual director, wise friend. Note: not a family member.

     SEVEN  Humbly asked…again, the support group. “I don’t know what to do?” “I don’t think I can keep doing this.” “Has anyone ever had to…”

    EIGHT Willing to make amends…yes you will snap at people, gossip, bring up old crap, be mean to the person you care for, …comes with the territory. So does, “I’m sorry.” And “Bear with me.”

     NINE Made amends…Ditto

       TEN Continued to take personal inventory…in a safe place with safe people. Yes, again the support group. You don’t have time to NOT go to a support group.

    ELEVEN Prayer and Meditation…yes, prayer and meditation. Every day. Even a little bit. “Please help me.” in the morning and “Thanks for getting us thru this day” at night.

    TWELVE Carry this message…even while you are in the worst of it you can help another caregiver. You can confirm their reality. You do this in waiting rooms, ICU centers and yes, in your support group.

Alanon for Caregivers

I was at an Alanon meeting this week. Alanon is the 12 step program for family members or friends of someone with an addiction. So I realized that Alanon is a great resource for cancer caregivers. (And don’t we all qualify for Alanon? Do you know anyone who doesn’t have a relative or friend with addiction or recovery in their story?)

The ideas that are discussed in an Alanon meeting are all things that we struggle with as caregivers: We are powerless; we struggle to admit our powerlessness; we try to find the right Higher Power; we have to stop making cancer or the oncologist or the loved one with cancer into our Higher Power; we need prayer and meditation; we have to stop giving advice --and the thing that is key and so, so hard to practice: We have to learn self-care and to keep the focus on our selves.

Yeah, I know, “Keep the focus on yourself”. Seems crazy but it’s true. People in Alanon know about this: at the very time it seems impossible to stop focusing on the other person is exactly when you have to shift gears and go to self-care.

And no one can do that alone. That’s why we have caregiver support groups and phone lines for cancer caregivers and places like The Hope Club and Alanon. We need each other. I need the wisdom you have today, and I’ll loan you mine tomorrow.

Take a look at the Twelve Steps. They can work for cancer and caregivers too.

Grace and Grit

I just read Grace and Grit by Ken Wilber. It’s the story of his relationship with and death of wife Treya Wilber. She was diagnosed with cancer the week they were married. Lived five years with multiple surgeries, treatments and recurrences. The power of the book is that her writings about the relationship and her cancer experience are woven into his story. Both perspectives are available. The other power is the honesty. He writes about his fear and sadness, the ways that he coped, what he gave up, his resentment at giving up so much and powerfully he describes the lowest points when he hated her and she resented him. It’s all there. Then too he writes about how they climbed out of that, got help and the spiritual work for both of them in the last six months of her life.

What helped the most? Reading his take on the pain of caregivers. He describes caregivers as having two problems: the person they are caring for and the dismissal of their own needs and struggles. The tendency of caregivers to discount their own issues—“nothing equals cancer”—but that means it gets harder because the caregiver has whatever the problem in their life is and they have the impacted feelings and resentment. Not pretty but really helpful to see it described.

He also talks about the value of support groups and how much hate is expressed in a support group for caregivers. But what is powerful is that he sees that resentment and all that dark shadowy material as the consequence of the caregiver forgetting how to give love. As Wilber says, if there was no love they would have left already or just become cool. The anger and even hate is the sign that there is love and the caregiver has to find energy and a way to give love again.