The Twelve Steps Help Caregivers Too

I was in a Twelve Step meeting yesterday and as I listened to how people apply the practice of the 12 steps to many parts of their lives like with work, kids, in-laws, money etc. I started thinking about applying the steps to cancer and caregiving.

If you’ve not been exposed to the original Twelve Steps that derive from Alcoholics Anonymous you can click on this link

http://www.aa.org/en_pdfs/smf-121_en.pdf

But I thought that they could be applied to caring for someone with cancer. You are the experts here so I’d love to hear your interpretation of how you’d apply the 12 steps to caregiving, but here is my quick and from the gut interpretation:

       ONE We admitted we were powerless…powerless over Cancer, over illness, over some doctors. And note that it says “we”…have to let that “we” into caregiving. I know how hard that is.

    TWO Came to believe…yes we need to believe in something bigger than us and bigger than cancer. Maybe it’s God or a Higher Power or maybe its Grace or Nature or the Ocean…just bigger than me.

      THREE Made a decision to turn it over…humility here..asking for help and surrender. Not giving up but surrendering that allows the universe to move and help us.

      FOUR Made a searching and fearless inventory…what of my stuff is getting in the way? My resentment? Being a control freak? Anger I am ashamed to admit to? Don’t be afraid to name it.

       FIVE Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being….this is the Support Group step. If you have felt it, said it or done it someone else has too. Reaching out to others, finding a safe place to say all of it.

       SIX Entirely ready to have …asking for spiritual help too. A pastor, chaplain, spiritual director, wise friend. Note: not a family member.

     SEVEN  Humbly asked…again, the support group. “I don’t know what to do?” “I don’t think I can keep doing this.” “Has anyone ever had to…”

    EIGHT Willing to make amends…yes you will snap at people, gossip, bring up old crap, be mean to the person you care for, …comes with the territory. So does, “I’m sorry.” And “Bear with me.”

     NINE Made amends…Ditto

       TEN Continued to take personal inventory…in a safe place with safe people. Yes, again the support group. You don’t have time to NOT go to a support group.

    ELEVEN Prayer and Meditation…yes, prayer and meditation. Every day. Even a little bit. “Please help me.” in the morning and “Thanks for getting us thru this day” at night.

    TWELVE Carry this message…even while you are in the worst of it you can help another caregiver. You can confirm their reality. You do this in waiting rooms, ICU centers and yes, in your support group.

Powerless

Today I attended an Alanon meeting. Alanon is the 12 step program for family members or friends of someone with an addiction. Today I realized that Alanon is also a great resource for cancer caregivers. (And don’t we all qualify for Alanon? Do you know anyone who doesn’t have a relative or friend with addiction or recovery in their story?)

The ideas discussed in an Alanon meeting are all things we struggle with as caregivers: We are powerless; we struggle to admit our powerlessness; we try to find the right Higher Power; we have to stop making cancer or the oncologist or the loved one with cancer into our Higher Power; we need prayer and meditation; we have to stop giving advice --and the thing that is key and so, so hard to practice: We have to learn self-care and to keep the focus on our selves.

Yeah, I know, “Keep the focus on yourself”. Seems crazy but it’s true. People in Alanon know about this: at the very time it seems impossible to stop focusing on the other person is exactly when you have to shift gears and go to self-care.

And no one can do that alone. That’s why we have caregiver support groups and phone lines for cancer caregivers and places like The Hope Club and Alanon. We need each other. I need the wisdom you have today, and I’ll loan you mine tomorrow.

Take a look at the Twelve Steps. They work for cancer and caregivers too.