Feeling Powerless? Try Alanon!

Today I attended an Alanon meeting. Alanon is the 12 step program for family members or friends of someone with an addiction. Today I realized that Alanon is also a great resource for cancer caregivers. (And don’t we all qualify for Alanon? Do you know anyone who doesn’t have a relative or friend with addiction or recovery in their story?)

The ideas discussed in an Alanon meeting are all things we struggle with as caregivers: We are powerless; we struggle to admit our powerlessness; we try to find the right Higher Power; we have to stop making cancer or the oncologist or the loved one with cancer into our Higher Power; we need prayer and meditation; we have to stop giving advice --and the thing that is key and so, so hard to practice: We have to learn self-care and to keep the focus on our selves.

Yeah, I know, “Keep the focus on yourself”. Seems crazy but it’s true. People in Alanon know about this: at the very time it seems impossible to stop focusing on the other person is exactly when you have to shift gears and go to self-care.

And no one can do that alone. That’s why we have caregiver support groups and phone lines for cancer caregivers and places like The Hope Club and Alanon. We need each other. I need the wisdom you have today, and I’ll loan you mine tomorrow. 

Take a look at the Twelve Steps. They work for cancer and caregivers too.

Alanon for Caregivers

I was at an Alanon meeting this week. Alanon is the 12 step program for family members or friends of someone with an addiction. So I realized that Alanon is a great resource for cancer caregivers. (And don’t we all qualify for Alanon? Do you know anyone who doesn’t have a relative or friend with addiction or recovery in their story?)

The ideas that are discussed in an Alanon meeting are all things that we struggle with as caregivers: We are powerless; we struggle to admit our powerlessness; we try to find the right Higher Power; we have to stop making cancer or the oncologist or the loved one with cancer into our Higher Power; we need prayer and meditation; we have to stop giving advice --and the thing that is key and so, so hard to practice: We have to learn self-care and to keep the focus on our selves.

Yeah, I know, “Keep the focus on yourself”. Seems crazy but it’s true. People in Alanon know about this: at the very time it seems impossible to stop focusing on the other person is exactly when you have to shift gears and go to self-care.

And no one can do that alone. That’s why we have caregiver support groups and phone lines for cancer caregivers and places like The Hope Club and Alanon. We need each other. I need the wisdom you have today, and I’ll loan you mine tomorrow.

Take a look at the Twelve Steps. They can work for cancer and caregivers too.

MMOB

Mind My Own Business. I am writing this acronym: MMOB everywhere this week. On my planner, my to-do list and even on a Post-it in my car.

As a caregiver it can be hard to sort out sometimes, but I’m working at it. Years ago a great play about the right to die was called, “Whose Life is It Anyway?” I’m reminded that even though I may care about his life and his health—they are both his, not mine.

But, again, it’s tricky when you are the caregiver and the consequences of another person’s choices might eventually tumble into your lap. But this is where having good boundaries, and maybe a Black Belt in Alanon, can come in handy. (I do think that every caregiver qualifies for Alanon—the free, anonymous program for family members).

I have to say MMOB when he doesn’t want to take the B vitamins that will help his neuropathy. And I say MMOB when he scoffs at the baby aspirin that can prevent colon cancer. And I say MMOB when he says he might skip the next round of tests that the doctor recommends. And I say it also when his kids are struggling and if his ex has stuff going on. In each of these cases the consequences might tumble back on to me later, but if I take them on now I’ll have no peace of mind at all.

I also have to have a quiet moment and be honest with myself. It’s too easy as a caregiver to pretend that the reason that I mind other people’s business is because I am kind and altruistic. I might say that I only want him to be healthy or them to be happy or her to be at peace, but really? In reality it’s all pretty selfish—The reason that I want any of that for them is so that I can be happy and so that I can have peace. I get caught in that old control fallacy.

In truth the best way for me to be happy and to have peace is not by getting everyone else’s life straightened out—(even in my head and even in my driving alone in my car fantasy time. Yes, guilty.) But my peace will come from detaching and letting go of their lives, and putting the focus back on myself.

Yes, much easier said than done, but I am slowly learning that being “selfish” is the most unselfish thing I can do. So I’ll scribble this little note to me where I can see it every day MMOB and I’ll mind my very own, all the time growing and changing, business.

Powerless

Today I attended an Alanon meeting. Alanon is the 12 step program for family members or friends of someone with an addiction. Today I realized that Alanon is also a great resource for cancer caregivers. (And don’t we all qualify for Alanon? Do you know anyone who doesn’t have a relative or friend with addiction or recovery in their story?)

The ideas discussed in an Alanon meeting are all things we struggle with as caregivers: We are powerless; we struggle to admit our powerlessness; we try to find the right Higher Power; we have to stop making cancer or the oncologist or the loved one with cancer into our Higher Power; we need prayer and meditation; we have to stop giving advice --and the thing that is key and so, so hard to practice: We have to learn self-care and to keep the focus on our selves.

Yeah, I know, “Keep the focus on yourself”. Seems crazy but it’s true. People in Alanon know about this: at the very time it seems impossible to stop focusing on the other person is exactly when you have to shift gears and go to self-care.

And no one can do that alone. That’s why we have caregiver support groups and phone lines for cancer caregivers and places like The Hope Club and Alanon. We need each other. I need the wisdom you have today, and I’ll loan you mine tomorrow.

Take a look at the Twelve Steps. They work for cancer and caregivers too.