The Twelve Steps Help Caregivers Too

I was in a Twelve Step meeting yesterday and as I listened to how people apply the practice of the 12 steps to many parts of their lives like with work, kids, in-laws, money etc. I started thinking about applying the steps to cancer and caregiving.

If you’ve not been exposed to the original Twelve Steps that derive from Alcoholics Anonymous you can click on this link

http://www.aa.org/en_pdfs/smf-121_en.pdf

But I thought that they could be applied to caring for someone with cancer. You are the experts here so I’d love to hear your interpretation of how you’d apply the 12 steps to caregiving, but here is my quick and from the gut interpretation:

       ONE We admitted we were powerless…powerless over Cancer, over illness, over some doctors. And note that it says “we”…have to let that “we” into caregiving. I know how hard that is.

    TWO Came to believe…yes we need to believe in something bigger than us and bigger than cancer. Maybe it’s God or a Higher Power or maybe its Grace or Nature or the Ocean…just bigger than me.

      THREE Made a decision to turn it over…humility here..asking for help and surrender. Not giving up but surrendering that allows the universe to move and help us.

      FOUR Made a searching and fearless inventory…what of my stuff is getting in the way? My resentment? Being a control freak? Anger I am ashamed to admit to? Don’t be afraid to name it.

       FIVE Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being….this is the Support Group step. If you have felt it, said it or done it someone else has too. Reaching out to others, finding a safe place to say all of it.

       SIX Entirely ready to have …asking for spiritual help too. A pastor, chaplain, spiritual director, wise friend. Note: not a family member.

     SEVEN  Humbly asked…again, the support group. “I don’t know what to do?” “I don’t think I can keep doing this.” “Has anyone ever had to…”

    EIGHT Willing to make amends…yes you will snap at people, gossip, bring up old crap, be mean to the person you care for, …comes with the territory. So does, “I’m sorry.” And “Bear with me.”

     NINE Made amends…Ditto

       TEN Continued to take personal inventory…in a safe place with safe people. Yes, again the support group. You don’t have time to NOT go to a support group.

    ELEVEN Prayer and Meditation…yes, prayer and meditation. Every day. Even a little bit. “Please help me.” in the morning and “Thanks for getting us thru this day” at night.

    TWELVE Carry this message…even while you are in the worst of it you can help another caregiver. You can confirm their reality. You do this in waiting rooms, ICU centers and yes, in your support group.

Twelve Steps of Self-Care for Caregivers

I have found the twelve steps of AA and Alanon very helpful in all parts of my life. Whether or not a person is struggling to address an addiction or an addicted family member the philosophy of the Twelve Step approach is both practical and inspirational.

Now I have found a book that applies the practice of the twelve steps to family caregivers and to their own self-care.

The book is, “Self-Care for Caregivers—A Twelve Step Approach”, by Pat Samples and Diane and Marvin Larsen. Pat is the editor of The Phoenix—a personal growth newsletter and Marvin and Diane are experienced family caregivers. Hazelden published the book, and it is order number 1236 at www. Hazelden.org

Given our current demographic boom and the increasing need for and demand on family caregivers, and the growing understanding of how the 12 step philosophy works this book lands at the intersection of both and it is a wonderful contribution to the language and practices for caregivers. The other growing population that will naturally benefit from  this approach is the membership of AA, Alanon, OA, NA, Nar Anon etc. who have learned to integrate emotional growth and spiritual growth with practical change in their lives. They are also part of the growing demographic bump of caregivers.

This is a book that would work well in a caregiver support group as it breaks down caregiver needs and the ways to think about care of self and others using the language of the twelve steps.