The End of the Year

My favorite calendar is the T3V by Letts of London. It is leather bound and a book format. On most days it is the most luxurious thing in my life. I buy the calendars from Layweines in Yorkville in Toronto—the most wonderful writing goods store in the world. I always splurge and buy two for each year just in case I have to make big changes mid-year. Last year I bought both books in red leather. It turned out to be a scarlet letter year. And a year of big changes.

Today when I closed out my 2008 calendar, and switched the important phone numbers to the soft teal colored Letts for 2009, I went through the 2008 book. I could trace the meetings, the cups of coffee, gelato dates, dinners, walks in the cemetery and days of rendezvous and love making. Seeing those days and watching how the calendar of our life unfolded I also remembered the times of hurt and anger. The things that were said, unsaid and those that were kept secret. I also saw how cancer wove its way into our lives. The date that says “drive John to doctor—keep cell phone on”. It was for a routine colonoscopy. The rest is love in the time of cancer.

Looking through that calendar I could see my back and forth, my emotional debates and painful struggles. I wondered, as I have all year, why I did not make my “no” stick and why “go home” did not stick for him. I saw his absolute confidence in this relationship and my tormented debate. Our pattern was established early on.

Today on New Year’s Eve we will have a romantic lunch at a French restaurant and go to a movie. After that we’ll go to the bookstore where we can play and use the gift certificates that are burning in our pockets. Then home to a small dinner and a movie on TV. I have laid out my sparkles, sequins and black lace for this night. A new year will begin. I can’t even guess at what 2009 will bring. But I have no regrets.