It’s so easy to make this all about him and all about cancer. But the truth is also that I bring my past to this and that past and its fears run me. It’s hard to sort it out.
The New Year screams Change! Change! And asks me bluntly, “What do you want?”
I want peace and I want freedom. But I have these ancient beliefs that seem to run me: a belief in abandonment; a belief in defectiveness; a belief that I will not be loved. Against these beliefs in the evidence: my family died and I survived them; I lost so many people that I loved; but I also have people who love me, and who do not leave; this man tells me over and over that I am his dream woman and that I am the love of his life; I lean forward listening as if in a fog or partially blind and deaf; I hear what he says and I hear dimly what others say: I am talented, beautiful. But the ancient beliefs—the schema—scream as if to drown out the newer voices.
God help me.
Restore me to sanity.
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