There are an unlimited number of triggers for this fear. It’s August and that means John’s next blood work is 30 days away; it’s summer and I feel the false optimism of the season; we talk of planning a wedding and my mind immediately calculates the rate of colon cancer when it appears a second time –four to six months. We’d never make it to a wedding. I look at calendars and wonder. I look at plans at work and underneath all of it there is a low whisper, “Could you handle that if he has surgery and chemo again?” I think of changing jobs and I think, “Manage a new job and daily caregiving?”
It’s always there. Even though on the surface and perhaps in reality there is no cancer now, today, it’s there underneath everything I do and think and plan. What if…When…
People who have had cancer know this thinking, and caregivers live with it too.
2 comments:
Many of us with cancer have learned to (mostly)live in the moment - in the day. Go ahead and plan! If a worst case scenario happens, you can change your plans or adapt them.
Don't stop or delay your life because of a worry or fear of the unknown. If that is the case, you will always be stalled in this limbo.
Ms. Max doesn't have cancer. She is, however, dealing with it. She fears the future, knowing that the risk of recurrent cancer in her partner is a risk to her as well. These thoughts can't be repressed. And as life goes on, the thoughts and realities provide an envelope to the life that must be lived now.
The future is not "unknown" in the sense that there are certain probabilities. He will or he won't survive. There are probabilities associated with those outcomes.
Ms. Max seems to understand the risks. The question is: Had she known the risks before entering into this affair, what would she have done? Probably, she would not have proceeded.
Life is filled with twists, turns, and the unexpected? Relationships offer challenges. Mostly, the challenges are those to our own character. As we see, Ms. Max is already thinking of the cost to her of recurrent cancer. It's seems clear that she's beginning to look for a way out.
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