Out at Work

Last night John came to the Gala fundraiser for my organization. It’s been distracting me for days—the gala itself-- but also the reality of him being there. It’s work for me and I worried about that. He would see this other part of my life up close. But my worry was also about others seeing him—with me. It was another layer—or un-layering of this relationship. A big part of becoming a couple involves the presence of other people. We are formed as a couple when we are seen by others and also when we see ourselves being seen by others as a couple.

For a few days I have been imagining scenarios of him not coming to the gala with me. Maybe he’d be too tired, too sick, bad chemo. Maybe he’d forget, come home too late, lie down to nap and wake at 9pm. I imagined how righteously angry I could then be, “You missed my Gala”, and I’d have a resentment to nourish until it grew big enough to help me leave him. I watched myself form these fears and fantasies and then I realized finally that I was afraid of this big and next step of coming out as a couple. I was taking him to work with me, and in front of others who matter in my work life, we were being a couple.