Cancer is so 19th Century

Read today's New York Times article by science writer Gina Kolata about why the word "cancer" may be on its way out:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/22/health/cancer-by-any-other-name-would-not-be-as-terrifying.html

Vagina

Words—it’s all about words. Language is what creates our reality, and language is what allows us to think. Think about that. If you have language, you have power and in CancerLand we need all the power we can get.


Words really do matter. That’s what got me started on this journey of writing about sex and intimacy and cancer. I had to write out my frustration because of all the words no one would use with me and John, and because of the words they did use that made me crazy.

But it’s not just in CancerLand. Our culture is inhibited about sexual language and even anatomical language. Now, I know that most women over 30 think they have that nailed. We do not talk like our mothers or our grandmothers. We have come to a place where we believe that we are so open and forthright; we don’t say “down there” or “pee pee” to refer to our genitals but we have raised a huge group of young girls who think their whole genital area is a vagina.

No! That is not your vagina or your Vajayjay—sorry Oprah. Most of the time we are mislabeling the mons, vulva, labia and clitoris, with the equally euphemistic vagina.

And that is a problem in CancerLand and in women’s lives. To think we need words and to have intimacy we have to have words. So what are we gonna do about our words?

Don't Name It

I heard an artist speak this week about making art and how we see. He was talking about perception, and how thinking distorts what we see.

He said, “The best way to see something is to NOT name it—words stop seeing.”

It’s a challenge but it works...when you look at a tree try to see it with out saying “tree” to yourself or telling yourself all the things you know about trees: green, vertical, growing, leaves, etc. Just see without the words and you’ll see more.

Pretty cool.

Then it hit me; I could try doing the same thing with people. What if I saw him without saying, “John” or “lover” or “cancer” or “teacher” or “man” or “mine” or any other words that typically flow thru my head unbidden? What would I see if I looked but didn’t label and didn’t name?

Triangles and Words That Heal

This morning in church we prayed, “But only say the word and I shall be healed”, and I laughed out loud. This week it was words that jump-started some healing for me: The Karpman Drama Triangle, a psycho-social theory developed by Stephen Karpman. In it he describes the cycle or triangle of how we move from rescuer or persecutor to victim—always cycling thru to victim, victim, victim. It came to me seemingly out of the blue in some unrelated research but there it was, the very “word” I needed to hear and heal.

It is perfect and perfect timing. I realized this week that I have been trying to out-victim the victim in my relationship with John and in other parts of my life as well. Karpman would simply say, “Uh huh.”

Here’s where it get’s tricky: cancer care. People with cancer—those in the throes of chemo and surgery are kind of victim-y and cancer caregivers—those in the midst of physical and emotional exhaustion are wonderfully victim-y, and those surrounding both of them make perfect persecutors: “You should”, “One should”, “You never should”, “You must”, “Do it this way, and “Well…”.

Cancer care is loaded with victims, rescuers and persecutors all vying for top billing as best and biggest victim. It’s so easy to say don’t do what you don’t want to do, or take care of yourself first—God knows we preach that crap all the time--but in real life and real caregiving theory is honored in the breach.

Maybe the Karpman Triangle can be taught to caregivers. Maybe we can give out little triangles as a reminder. Maybe I need a triangle tattooed on my right hand.

Language Lesson

I learn a lot from John but today I got a really important lesson: Language creates reality. I can create my reality by how I speak about my life and my experiences. Last night he was telling me about the very painful mouth sores he has now and I said, “That’s awful.” and he said, “No, it’s not awful, it’s annoying.”

Now I had heard him before describing the side effects from chemo as annoying and as inconvenient but I just took that to be his stoicism, maleness, macho-guy stuff. This morning I replayed his words in my head and I got it. If something is awful or terrible then you are trapped. But if it is annoying, well, that’s all it is. You feel it, you deal with it but you go on. It’s affecting you but it doesn’t have you. It can’t rule you and you are not a victim.

All of a sudden I could see that the words I choose are making my life actually BE one way or another. His cancer may be a tragedy, an awful thing, or simply something that is happening in our lives. How many times do we say “the power of language”? I want to play with this, watch my words, and see if I can create a new reality for my experience now.