The Dry Cleaning

Today in our caregiving group we were talking about what to do when someone asks, “How can I help?” Often the caregiver is so immersed in the day to day of caregiving that they can’t see what someone else could do to help.

One woman told the group that after offering help many times to her good friend: “Can I do the laundry? Can I cook something for you? Can I go to the drugstore?” Finally the friend said, I don’t know how to print something off my computer, can you do that?” It reminded me of the time in my life---years ago—when I was taking care of my brothers…both older than me and both very ill. They were dying at the same time. They lived in Pittsburgh and I lived in Baltimore. I would fly to Pittsburgh on Fridays and do laundry, go to hospitals, meet doctors and nurses and patch it together and fly home Sunday or Monday. I thought I had it all together even though it was hard. I was working full time and at work people were saying things like, “Isn’t she amazing” and “How calm she is doing all this.”

That was until the Monday I flew home from Pittsburgh and went to my closet to dress for work and there were no clean clothes. All my work clothes were at the dry cleaner or in the car to be taken to the dry cleaner. That was the day I lost it. Sobbing. Hysterical. On the floor. Gasping for breath. I managed to call a friend and between sobs choked out he words, “clothes” “dry cleaner” and “can’t do this.”

That friend came to my house. She brought me a clean shirt and blazer and she took the dry cleaning tickets and my bag of dirty clothes. For the rest of that summer she took care of the dry cleaning. Just that. The dry cleaning. That was the task that broke me and that was the help that saved me.

It’s the seemingly small stuff. It will be something different for each caregiver. So probe and watch. Then figure out how you can help.