Love in the Time of Cancer

We were friends and then lovers. We began a new life. I’m Max and he is John. Well, not really, but soon you’ll see why we want to keep a modicum of privacy.

We met years ago and we drank a lot of coffee, talked about books and sports, favorite restaurants and movies we loved. The conversations became more personal. We fell in love and became lovers. We left our marriages and moved in together. We began to become a couple in simple and complicated ways. We bought a bed and dishes, opened a joint checking account, went grocery shopping and took a vacation together. We took tiny, careful steps to meet each others family and friends.

One day he asked me to drive him for a routine colonoscopy. I had done that for many friends. No big deal. I dropped him off and came back hours later. We sat in the small curtained cubicle waiting for the doctor to sign him out. I asked did he want me to wait in the lobby, trying to be discreet, allowing him this privacy for a conversation about body parts. “No”, he said, “He’s just going to tell me that I have polyps and then we’ll go have lunch.” I remember those words because of course, that is not what the doctor said. Instead when he looked at the chart and then at me and then John, he said, “You have a problem.”

The problem was cancer. Stage three colon cancer and instead of lunches and vacations there was surgery and doctors offices and learning about chemo. I am lover and caregiver and chauffer, but I am also a writer and fierce about what is happening to him and to me and to us. I am writing this blog to tell my side of this story. I am not objective. I am not unbiased and at times I am not a very nice person. But then, cancer is not very nice either.

I am also writing this because I hope at least one person can have their sanity confirmed by this blog. Most of the official cancer resources have tried to be helpful but there have been so many gaps and so many platitudes and so very much condescension. I am also writing this because as Mark Twain said, “I don’t want to hear about the moon from a man who has not been there.” Loving a man with cancer is my moon. Take the next step with me.