How to Love Your Kids ………...More Than You Hate Your Ex

Isn’t that just one of the best book titles ever? If you are divorced or divorcing and you have kids that title will give you a sense of relief or it will make you cringe. 

Because it is true that at some point in a divorce you did or are doing the very opposite—you are hating your ex at the expense of the kids. No, you are not that bad—not as bad as that other mother—the one who makes her kids say, “I hate you Daddy” or the Dad who tell the kid’s that their mother is a bitch. But still, there was a time when you made faces at or about the other parent or you said awful things about his/her new partner, or maybe you dumped old pictures of the two of you on the doorstep of ex’s new love nest. Really? 

(Jealous Woman mask from Noh theater)

In all of those scenarios you later realize that you crushed your own dignity and decency and that none—not one—not even the most supportive of your friends—thinks you are a good parent for doing that stuff. But the worst is that it hurts the kids. The kids!

Most divorced people with kids had a day or a month or some years of trying to stay together for the kids. So why, when that doesn’t work, do we fall into “Torpedoes full steam ahead” and take down her/him/them—with the kids being the biggest “them?” My god, we know better, but we have all fallen into the pit, and we feel like crap after. And the kids—whether 6 or 26—are the victims.

But it is really hard to climb out of that slough and to say “I will not bash or wish harm on my ex” and mean it. So here is this fabulous little book to help us. Helen Fried wrote, “How to Love Your Kids More Than You Hate Your Ex.” The title itself tells us that she speaks from experience and the stories will confirm that.

Her story: Remarried in 2006, Helen found the intricacy (brutal pain) of dealing with a “blended family” (war zone) to be quite trying (almost divorce number two.) She founded a support group to help others keep the focus on the kids and make choices based on the kids rather than revenge, retribution and trying to win what can never be won—victimhood.

It’s a book for all of us who are divorced, who married someone who is divorced or divorcing, and especially for the stalwart, longstanding friends of anyone caught in the hate stage of divorce. Just hand over this book and step back. It might take a really long time for the thanks to come—but it will. 

The Literature of Caregiving: A Happy Marriage by Raphael Yglesias

I’m a writer and a reader, yes. But sometimes I feel so amazed and wondrous at finding a story in fiction that is so perfect for my life.

Years ago I discovered “A Happy Marriage” by fortuitous accident. We were leaving on our honeymoon; I needed a book for the flight to Paris. I grabbed a new paperback from the shelf at my local bookstore. The title seemed perfect: “A Happy Marriage”. Almost themed for us and for me. Strangely it turned out—almost too perfect.

Yes. “A Happy Marriage” by Rafael Yglesias. It was his fifth novel. He also wrote “Fearless” which is one of my favorite movies—which also has a changing marriage as its theme. But in this book, the “happy marriage” is a stunning tale of cancer and caregiving and marriage and mystery.

“A Happy Marriage” is, to a degree, based on Yglesias’ own marriage. The courtship, love affair, struggles, rejuvenation by cancer and finally devastation—all in love—happened to Yglesias when he cared for his wife who died of cancer. But he is a great fiction writer and he used those life experiences to expand on and pull out and push in layers of ideas about marriage and illness.

This novel is perfect in CancerLand. Do not let the fact of a death by cancer scare you away. If cancer is a partner in your relationship you already know there are gifts from that player.

And Yglesias adds perspective and intensity of language, and he is a detective looking at what is love and what is marriage and what are cancer’s contributions.

This is also an important book in the Literature of Caregiving canon because we are presented with a male caregiver, and a story of rich, imperfect people. So, again, this is no saccharine made-for-TV-movie cancer story. It’s a book that any book club will debate late into the night and the couple will, long after the book is back on your shelf, feel like great friends you once knew and admired.

The imperfection of both husband and wife, patient and caregiver give this book extraordinary reach.

I’ll return in a few weeks with another entry for our new virtual book club: The Literature of Caregiving. I’d love to have your feedback and your suggestions too. Please share your thoughts here or email me anytime.

[You can see the first post for Literature of Caregiving --Marilynne Robinson's "Home" on this blog on Monday, December 8th.]

Being Married Matters --and What if You're Not?

In Monday's New York Times Wellness section, the health writer, Tara Parker-Pope wrote about cancer survival and the recent research that shows that married people have greater longevity than people without partners who are dealing with cancer.

Yes, as you might guess, it's related to both caregiving and encouragement but also to compliance with medical appointments. People with partners keep up with their medical care, and people with a partner also better maintain a tough chemo and radiation schedule and they are more likely to take medications as prescribed.

Could it be as simple as someone bringing your pills and a glass of water and saying, "Time for your pill, honey?" It might be.

The other interesting showing from this research is that men with cancer show a greater benefit from marriage than did women. Parker-Pope reports that, "This does not mean that husbands are not supportive of wives, but may instead indicate that single women are better at seeking support than single men."

Here's the link to the whole article:

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/09/24/married-cancer-patients-live-longer/?_r=0

Don't Try to Change Your Man

I love relationship books. I absolutely love them. Given that you’d think I was better at relationships, but maybe it’s just the opposite. Because I see my struggles I am fascinated by what psychology and medicine and theology and even astrology have to say about how to find, make, keep and grow in a loving relationship.

These books are my candy.

This week I’m reading an old favorite: “Change Your Mindset Not Your Man.” By Sally Watkins, MSW. Her advice is pointed and true to her idea—low on theory and heavy on making changes. And boy it’s not for sissies.

One of her main points—and she repeats it --is that most woman have relationship troubles because we lie to ourselves. The man is bad? Well, she says, what red flag did you choose to ignore? If the man is really bad and you are still there, then this is all about you, according to Sally. Yeah, hard to swallow stuff like that. But sometimes those buckets of cold water really are refreshing.

 You will not be surprised that much of her relationship advice is extremely relevant to couples in the caregiving mode. The best way to prevent resentment and burnout is self-care. Radical self-care. Take a day off and even a week off. Sounds crazy right? But a week away can help you to love that person again. And all those people saying, “How can I help?” and “If you need anything…” Call them in and hand over the keys and the schedule.

Yes, some people will think you are nuts, and your partner may think you are nuts, but just keep saying, “Being selfish is the most loving thing I can do for both of us.”

And check out Watkins book. Cancer is a relationship issue too. Cancer makes any relationship a “bad” one. By default you have relationship trouble when cancer is involved. It’s really too bad that oncologists don’t talk about this stuff. But then they are just trying to save bodies while we are trying to save lives.