Marriage Reveals Us

A lesson from fiction this week.

I just re-read the great novel “Olive Kitteridge” by Elizabeth Strout. It’s a story about the human heart and hope and love and pain. It’s a book that opens one’s veins I think.

In an interview with the author, Strout says, “A marriage is always a source of great drama for a fiction writer. It is in our most intimate relationships that we are truly revealed; that is why I write about married relationships.”

“We are revealed”, she says. And I am nodding. That is why I like being married. When John and I were first together, and his cancer was newly diagnosed, friends said to me, “You don’t have to marry him.” Some others said, “He has cancer; you don’t have to take that on.” What they meant was, “You don’t have to be a martyr.” But what they didn’t understand is that I am not a martyr –not a bit. Actually I’m quite selfish, and that’s partly why I like marriage. 

Stout nails it: “We are revealed,” she says. Being married is actually selfish, and being a cancer caregiver may even have a hint of selfish in it. They are both very powerful and intense ways of seeing oneself.

Yes, you could take the long, expensive route by going to psychoanalysis or try a cheap, fast route of a self-help weekend to learn about yourself, but marriage works.

Even when it doesn’t.  

Until I Say Good-Bye

In my last post I wrote about the intimacy of sex and keeping that intimacy alive in CancerLand. I believe that staying sexual and sensual is important to keeping the lines of communication open. Yeah, many experts will say it’s the other way around but I have found that when the bodies keep touching erotically and when you are laughing together in bed, the rest of the conversations—good, bad and ugly-- will follow.

Today I’m reading about another kind of intimacy that couples face in serious illness. My mother-in-law Anne recommended this week’s book, published in 2013. The book is called “Until I Say Good-Bye—A Year of Living with Joy”. It was written by Susan Spencer-Wendel. Susan was an award-winning journalist at The Palm Beach Post until her diagnosis with ALS (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis) also known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease—the incurable, always fatal degenerative disease.

Spencer-Wendel was in her early 40’s with three young children when she was diagnosed, and because of those children, she spent her last year writing about her life, her illness and them. The book details her travels with her children and the deliberate, memory-making adventures she planned with each one. One trip entailed taking her 14-year-old daughter to New York City bridal showroom so that she could see her daughter dressed as a bride.

Sweet stories, yes and poignant as can be, certainly but Spencer-Wendel also writes directly and graphically about what happened and what didn’t happen between her and her husband—how sex worked and how it didn’t and about the day she finally had to ask her husband to wipe her after a bowel movement.

Somehow we all know that “toileting” is a caregiver issue, but most of us imagine that as something that old people face and deal with. Maybe we think we won't care when were old or maybe they won’t care. I’m not sure why we think that, well maybe denial is why, but we do.

But here is a vibrant but slowly disabling woman who is still a journalist, mom, friend and partner and she can no longer manage the bathroom. It was awkward and uncomfortable and her husband gagged and held his breath, and they had words about it. And then she went back to her laptop and her writing.

That too is physical intimacy. Maybe tender and caring but maybe also embarrassing, smelly, sticky and difficult. That kind of head-on honesty is what I love about this book and what I admire about Susan Spencer-Wendell for documenting her year and its full-out joy. She is proof that it can be done.

The book is called “Until I Say Good-Bye”.

http://www.amazon.com/Until-Say-Good-Bye-Year-Living/dp/0062241451

Being Married Matters --and What if You're Not?

In Monday's New York Times Wellness section, the health writer, Tara Parker-Pope wrote about cancer survival and the recent research that shows that married people have greater longevity than people without partners who are dealing with cancer.

Yes, as you might guess, it's related to both caregiving and encouragement but also to compliance with medical appointments. People with partners keep up with their medical care, and people with a partner also better maintain a tough chemo and radiation schedule and they are more likely to take medications as prescribed.

Could it be as simple as someone bringing your pills and a glass of water and saying, "Time for your pill, honey?" It might be.

The other interesting showing from this research is that men with cancer show a greater benefit from marriage than did women. Parker-Pope reports that, "This does not mean that husbands are not supportive of wives, but may instead indicate that single women are better at seeking support than single men."

Here's the link to the whole article:

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/09/24/married-cancer-patients-live-longer/?_r=0