Monday, April 22, 2019

Marriage Can Be Hard..But...

I’m always thinking about relationships and marriage. It’s one of my favorite reading topics, because, of course, I love learning about what makes people tick, and intimate relationships are the perfect crucible. I find that sometimes the best learning comes from reading about relationships that don’t work, …until they do.

I know it’s a book that divides the field, but I loved Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir, “Eat. Pray.

 I’ve read it and listened to it. I especially love what she has to say about God and pleasure and faith and how she learned to overcome her fear.

Yes, it did help that she had a big house to sell and a huge book advance. But, for me, none of that discounts her humor and the good grace of her book. 

I especially loved when she asked –by name-- everyone in the universe co-sign her prayer to have her divorce end peaceably. And I also loved the water tower scene in India, when finally turning that ex over to God—and seeing their higher selves meeting and releasing. 

But the book that followed “Eat, Pray, Love” was Gilbert’s second memoir, and the continuation of the story.  “Committed” is about marriage and how Gilbert reluctantly married the man she fell in love with at the end of “Eat, Pray, Love.”

One of my favorite lines from Committed is this: “There is good reason to end such stories with weddings, and buoyant celebrations of love. Because what follows a wedding is a marriage. And marriage is an institution, not a party.”

That’s a great line, and quite borrowable for toasts, I think.

What Gilbert also says is this: “Marriage is hard when you invest all of your expectations for happiness in one other person. A man can be part of a good life, but not the life.”

Now that’s a great poster or a mantra for young women.

So how do you get to a great marriage from the reality of “Marriage is hard”? The recipe is this: Invest in all parts of your life and in many relationships. You have to make (intentionally create) your own good and full life, and then a partner can become a great accessory.

I write a lot about relationships and marriage in my book, “Out of the Woods”—available at bookstores and, of course, on Amazon.

Friday, April 5, 2019

We Measure Our Age in Tubes

It was T. S. Eliot who famously said “I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.” What a lovely image for and from a great poet. But this week I glimpsed another way I can measure my aging life: I can count the tubes.

Yes, you might remember going to Grandma’s house, or maybe to your Mother’s and her medicine cabinet had a million squashed tubes of this and that. Some were shiny, some rusty, and some gooey with missing caps, and you thought, “How does that happen?”

Maybe you also remember when your medicine cabinet had aspirin, birth control, Vaseline and maybe an antibiotic? 

And then as you got a few years older, there are a few more things and then, suddenly it seems, you (like me last week) look at that basket under the bathroom sink and its full of tubes!

We now have all manner of tubes with creams, ointments and lotions. They are specialized and generalized. We have tubes with goop for every body part and every disturbance. They are oily, creamy, pink, clear or shiny. They range from first aid uses to germ killing to fungus battling to skin soothing.  Some I bought off the shelf and a few were prescribed. 

But this is the new measurement of my life—no longer romantic coffee spoons or lovers past. Now I measure my life—and ours—in tubes.

Saturday, February 23, 2019

Cancer and Increased Risk of Suicide

Maybe you’ve had that hypothetical conversation, the one that starts with, “If I ever got diagnosed with…. (fill in the blank) I’d kill myself.” And then someone else says, “No, I could stand that, but if I ever got (fill in blank) I would definitely check out.” 

And on it goes: what we think we could live with, what we think we could not live with: dementia, Lou Gehrig’s Disease, something terribly deforming, or one of 100 kinds of cancer.

Usually when we have those kinds of hypothetical conversations we are in our right minds so we kind of miss the real point: A serious medical diagnosis also has a psychological component or consequence.

In a recent report from the Penn State Cancer Institute, researcher Nicholas Zaorsky (a radiation oncologist) says that a cancer diagnosis can quadruple the risk of suicide among Americans.” 

She says, “there are multiple competing risks for death, and one of them is suicide. Distress and depression can arise from a cancer diagnosis, treatment, financial stress and other causes. Ultimately, distress and depression may lead to suicide. Our goal was to quantify the risk of suicide among cancer patients.” 

What this suggests is that patients, family, caregivers and medical professionals need to
insert care and questions about emotional health in the already crowded conversations and caregiving routines.

With good intentions many of us are tempted to brush past the sadness, distress and grief, “You’ll feel better when chemo/radiation/that side effect is over.” But maybe later is too late.

Nurses and oncologists need to turn around to face the patient and not the laptop, when asking, “How are you?” and maybe pause and ask again, “And how are you really?” And caregivers need to sit with their own anxiety long enough to hear the real distress in the patient’s life and perspective.

Mental and emotional health need attention too.

Thursday, February 14, 2019

Valentine's Day in CancerLand

So, you are in CancerLand on Valentine’s Day?

Yep, that sucks. It’s awful. I know; I’ve been there.

But you do not have to surrender to 5FU and all her crazy chemo cousins. 

You can have Valentine’s Day and romance and cancer. Here’s how:

Remember how Valentine’s Day worked before cancer.

Shed one tear remembering that and then laugh. Find something to laugh about. Call up your true love and reminisce together. Make a joke.

Make a Valentine. If you can get out, buy a pretty one. If you can’t get out (friggin’ 5FU) then make one: paper doilies, red Sharpie, tear a story form the newspaper, write on a playing card (yes you can ruin a deck of cards by taking out the King or Queen of hearts).

Drop your expectations. Like a hot potato—drop them. This is Valentine’s Day in a new country: CancerLand.

Think about love, and email love and text that love. There is so much love in CancerLand and with your partner, state it clearly. You have seen and felt love so grand and so different than people who have never visited CancerLand. Claim and celebrate that love. Explicitly.

People around you may be afraid to ask, “What are you guys doing for Valentine’s Day?” like they are asking other couples. Shame on them—announce what you are doing. Stare down their fear.

Things to keep: affection, conversation, chocolate, cards, flowers, bad poetry, good poetry, and romantic comedies (TV listing are crammed with romantic movies tonight.)

Things to lose: expectations and projections

Things to negotiate: a good meal, gifts and sex. (be creative and open-minded with that last one.)

Refuse to surrender: your relationship, your coupledom, your happiness.

Monday, January 28, 2019

Best Books About Caregiving--Fiction and Memoir

There are lots of books to tell you how to be a caregiver—books for spouses, siblings and adult children.

There are specialized books for caring for someone with Alzheimer’s or cancer or Parkinson's Disease etc. But sometimes you want or need more than a how-to book, and more than the facts—you want to know about the feelings, and to know how someone else felt when they were where you are. And for that we have to go to literature.

I teach a class on the Literature of Caregiving, and I have found that these are those are the kinds of books that caregivers crave and relate to. These are the books that often answer the questions that no one knew that they needed to ask.

So, here are some of my favorite books about caregiving. You’ll have some surprises I’m sure, but caregiving is nothing new to humankind, and great works of literature touch all situations and all of the feelings that make us human.
Caregiving Memoirs:
Autobiography of a Face, Lucy Grealy
Cancer Vixen, Marisa Acocella Marchetto (It’s a graphic novel)
Midstream, Le Anne Schreiber
Landscape Without Gravity, Barbara Lazear Ascher
Truth and Beauty, Anne Patchett
The Story of My Father, Sue Miller
Low Down: Jazz, Junk and Fairy Tales. AJ Albany
The Broken Chord, Michael Dorris
Operating Instructions, Anne Lamott
Three Dog Life, Abigail Thomas
The Best Day/The Worst Day: Life with Jane Kenyon, Donald Hall
The Two Kinds of Decay, Sarah Manguso
Caregiving Fiction:
We are All Welcome Here, Elizabeth Berg
A Patchwork Planet, Anne Tyler
Celestial Navigation, Anne Tyler
Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
King Lear, William Shakespeare

Add a few of these to your Winter reading. On the couch, in bed, and in your caregiving tote for doctor's offices and waiting rooms. You’ll be in good hands, and good company.

Sunday, January 20, 2019

Sex and Cancer Cancer Today Magazine

Many of you know that I started this blog--and advocating for more education around sex and cancer--because of my experience being shut out and shut down by medical folks when John was diagnosed with Colon Cancer at the beginning of our relationship.

Because it's my gift --and my bent in life--I went to my computer and started writing. I also shared the story of our romance --the good and the bad--and wrote a lot about relationships in general.

But it was that shame around sex and cancer that got me started and it keeps me keeps me going.

I am delighted and honored that Cancer Today Magazine found the blog, and interviewed me for their recent article on Sex and Cancer.

I'll put the link right here:

Please consider sharing this.

There are still too many couples impacted by the silence and the lack of helpful information, and still way too many medical professionals who don't ask and who have nothing to say when asked.

I thank all of you for following this blog, and sharing my updates, and for continuing to make it safe for Love in the Time of Cancer.