How to Love Your Kids ………...More Than You Hate Your Ex

Isn’t that just one of the best book titles ever? If you are divorced or divorcing and you have kids that title will give you a sense of relief or it will make you cringe. 

Because it is true that at some point in a divorce you did or are doing the very opposite—you are hating your ex at the expense of the kids. No, you are not that bad—not as bad as that other mother—the one who makes her kids say, “I hate you Daddy” or the Dad who tell the kid’s that their mother is a bitch. But still, there was a time when you made faces at or about the other parent or you said awful things about his/her new partner, or maybe you dumped old pictures of the two of you on the doorstep of ex’s new love nest. Really? 

(Jealous Woman mask from Noh theater)

In all of those scenarios you later realize that you crushed your own dignity and decency and that none—not one—not even the most supportive of your friends—thinks you are a good parent for doing that stuff. But the worst is that it hurts the kids. The kids!

Most divorced people with kids had a day or a month or some years of trying to stay together for the kids. So why, when that doesn’t work, do we fall into “Torpedoes full steam ahead” and take down her/him/them—with the kids being the biggest “them?” My god, we know better, but we have all fallen into the pit, and we feel like crap after. And the kids—whether 6 or 26—are the victims.

But it is really hard to climb out of that slough and to say “I will not bash or wish harm on my ex” and mean it. So here is this fabulous little book to help us. Helen Fried wrote, “How to Love Your Kids More Than You Hate Your Ex.” The title itself tells us that she speaks from experience and the stories will confirm that.

Her story: Remarried in 2006, Helen found the intricacy (brutal pain) of dealing with a “blended family” (war zone) to be quite trying (almost divorce number two.) She founded a support group to help others keep the focus on the kids and make choices based on the kids rather than revenge, retribution and trying to win what can never be won—victimhood.

It’s a book for all of us who are divorced, who married someone who is divorced or divorcing, and especially for the stalwart, longstanding friends of anyone caught in the hate stage of divorce. Just hand over this book and step back. It might take a really long time for the thanks to come—but it will. 

Stepfamilies and Caregiving Facing Facts

Earlier this week I wrote about the situation our family faced with step kids and stepparents faced with cancer care. I’ve heard from many people who faced the double dilemma of cancer caregiving when one of the adults has children from a previous marriage. These are tough situations.

But hard as it is we are not alone.

Here are the facts:

–Between 52% and 62% of all first marriages will eventually end in divorce.

–About 75% of divorced persons eventually remarry.

–About 43% of all marriages are remarriages for at least one of the adults.

–About 65% of marriages involve children from the prior marriage and, thus, from stepfamilies.

–60% of all remarriages eventually end in divorce.

–One of three Americans is now a stepparent, a stepchild, a stepsibling, or some other member of a stepfamily.

If you then consider those stats next to the increasing incidence of cancer and the increasing reality of cancer as a chronic or terminal illness and you have a lot of people who are struggling with how to manage caregiving in a stepfamily.

There are lots of issues: Who is in charge? What does the patient want? If the patient can’t speak who gets to make healthcare decisions? They can be big decisions like approving a treatment or stopping treatment, and smaller ones like accepting discharge plan. When the spouse says, “Let’s take him home” but the kids say, “I can’t help out” there are bad feelings and serious issues.

There is also the money. Who decides how to spend down an account or to travel for a second opinion? Who pays for home health aides? As our healthcare system changes we will all be asked to pay more out-of-pocket—but out of whose pocket? And with money-as-power such a strong cultural value—does the adult stepchild with more money out vote the stepparent?

It can get hard and ugly and painful for everyone.

Prevention is best. If you are in a stepfamily—as the parent or the child—make sure there are a will, a living will, a healthcare proxy, a medical power-of-attorney and a durable power of attorney in place. You don’t always need an attorney to create these for you but it’s smart to have a professional make these documents because they could be challenged when feelings are on fire. And cancer and death are flammable.

The most critical part of this planning though is that it forces conversation between the married partners. The adults have to carefully consider all of the what-if’s and state their preferences. You don’t want to leave an unhappy stepchild and stunned stepparent to share critical medical decision-making. It’s not only ineffective it’s just too painful. And the patient is most likely to suffer.