While much of our time in Cancer Land is spent with
caregiving and managing the logistics of cancer, the thing that takes up most
of our mental energy is the thing we talk about the least: Death
The thing about death that we, maybe, don’t talk about
enough-- or admit-- is the part about what will happen to us after he/she dies.
Yes, I know—you can feel that taboo right away even just reading it, right?
I know that were not “supposed” to think about ourselves.
That’s not part of the “loving caregiver” image. We’re supposed to be thinking
about them and their needs not our needs-- and certainly not our needs later,
right? That’s a big “don’t” of caregiving. But it’s also true that a lot of the real
fear—the part that comes out in secret sobs in private moments-- is the, “What
am I gonna do if he dies?” terror.
Of course we know what we’ll do; we’ll live. But that’s also
what we’re afraid of. “Live how?” and “Will I ever be happy again?”
I know, I know, we’re not supposed to think such thoughts in
Cancer Land. We’re supposed to be unselfish and loving and worry only about him/her.
But, alas, we are human.
And now gratefully I have found a book about this very human
part of life and loving: a book about the “What happens Later” part, and what
happens after the love of our life
dies.
The book is called, “Saturday Night Widows” and it is brand
new. Written by Becky Aikman who was widowed at 42 after her husband’s death
from cancer. What is startling and refreshing about this book and Aikman’s
approach is that she tried the traditional route of recovery—debriefing and
bereavement group but it was a bust. Her “failure” in traditional grief work
led her to do a ton of research on grief and bereavement and she discovered
that a lot of what we have been taught about the process of grief and grieving
is mostly wrong.
For example, Aikman talks to grief experts who confirm that the
Kubler-Ross “Stages of Grief” were never actually stages of grief. They were,
and are, stages of the dying process. Kubler-Ross worked with people who were
dying but over time we told and retold those famous “stages” as grieving
gospel. Not true. No stages. More like waves that diminish over time.
And another myth Aikman debunked: you don’t have to talk,
talk talk. In fact the over-telling is re-traumatizing. Turns out that new
experiences and happy experiences are the real medicine for grief.
So “Saturday Night Widows” is full of great info, facts and
the latest research but it’s more than that. It’s also a really fun and inspiring
story. Aikman gathered a group of new, youngish widows and tried out the new
ideas for all of their healing. The cooked, shopped, traveled, made things. And
yes they cried, worried and talked about their spouses too, but it was a very
different experience than what you’d see in a traditional grief group.
This is the book for your friends who have had a death. The
book is about widows but it fits men too and maybe siblings as well. It’s a
book that I hope cancer care centers and oncologists will make available. It
might even be a wonderful book to read as a caregiver. It offers hope that
while, yes, we do fear his/her death we can be and we will be just fine later.
No comments:
Post a Comment