Passion is a Virtue

I gave a talk the other night for the Women’s Wellness and Cancer program at Northeast Health. I talked about the value of an unbalanced life and the importance of passion.

As much as we yak about balancing our lives, and every woman’s magazine proposes strategies to get more balance in our lives, I don’t think it’s balance that we want at all. What most of us want is to feel good and to have peace, and that really comes from being well used by life. And that comes from PASSION.

Passion often gets a bad rap. The first error is that we immediately think of passion as sex, and while yes, I do prefer my sex to be passionate, the passion in sex doesn’t come from body parts being rubbed together. I think that people who have passion in their lives tend to bring that passion into the bedroom (kitchen, living room, back seat) rather than the other way around.

I write about cancer and sex and caregiving—because I got so mad and so passionate about wanting to share what I had to learn the hard way. I am –you see from this blog—fierce about teaching and language and making information about sex accessible to people in CancerLand. I have a couple of other things in my life that I am crazy passionate about and it is the fury and joy that I derive from that work that I bring to my bed and to John as my lover.

The other huge mistake we make in our thinking about passion is that we often think that passion is not a higher virtue. We think that things like charity or kindness are on a higher plane or that they are more important. But we are so wrong about that. Every religion advocates that we become more compassionate but we can only become compassionate by connecting with our own passions. Trying to exercise compassion without true personal passion always looks smarmy and feels like saccharine, and it’s the route to burn out.

The other night in my talk in Troy I mentioned Susan Sarandon as an example of a passionate woman—on and off the screen. There are so many beautiful actresses and pretty movie stars but Sarandon shines in her sixties because she lives a deeply passionate life as a fierce social justice advocate. That is true libido—strong life energy—passion first in the world, then in the bedroom.

Emu Oil and Your Love Life

Vaginal dryness is a factor for all women of a certain age. That's for certain. That age could be 30 if you are postpartum, or 58 if you are postmenopausal, or any age if you are post chemo. Nothing takes the fun out of sex more quickly than feeling like your most tender places are being scraped and torn.

You probably know about lubricants--water-based and silicone based. Try both to see what you like. You can buy them now in grocery stores and drug stores but if you are shy buy them online. If you are over 40 ask your friends. They are using them and you may not know because you are not talking about it.

Recently a friend told me about another sex life saver that is also a daily comfort. It's Emu Oil. Yes, Emu Oil. Uh huh, I did the same thing. I said,  "You mean that critter--the big bird that's like an ostrich?" Yes indeed. Oil from the Emu is magical. You can use it every day on your labia . (I was going to say "down there" But I swore I would not use euphemisms for sex or body parts, especially after so many folks in Cancer Land can't say penis, vagina or fellatio.)

Here is  what I learned that you need to know: It is not messy. You hear the word "oil" and you think, sticky, oily, staining. Nope. the consistency is more creamy or gel-like. It's not oily at all. You don't feel slimy; you just feel nice. No more sandpapery tissues  tearing or burning. And that is also good for your sex life. When we feel juicy and flexible we are more willing to get in the mood even when we are not in the mood.

And after a certain post-40 age sometimes you have to try just to find out that you are in the mood.

You can find Emu Oil on Amazon or lots of online pharmacies.