There is No Good Card for This

You have been there--on the giving end or the receiving end…

It's either "What should I say..?"

OR

"I can't believe they said that!"

Kelsey Crowe wrote a book to capture those moments and to help the rest of us not put foot in mouth…
no platitudes, alternatives to lasagna, and ways to be supportive with out reaching for bizarre mixed metaphors and saccharine sayings.

Here's the link t the interview on NPR last week. When you hear this you'll want her book, and you'll want to start making your own honest greeting cards.

Take a listen:
http://www.npr.org/2017/02/13/514164179/there-is-no-good-card-for-this-what-to-say-when-condolences-isnt-enough

The book is called: There's No Good Card for This.

More About the Book: AfterShock

A few days ago I wrote about the book, AfterShock by Jessie Gruman, Ph.D. It is such a perfect handbook and bedside/tote bag companion for day one to day 100 of any serious health diagnosis.

If you or a loved one gets bad news about cancer, heart disease, stroke, ALS, MS etc. This might be the best, first thing to read. The first chapter is on shock and can help you normalize—and manage –the unmanageable feelings and crazy thinking.

Each chapter is short—therefore readable by someone in shock or crisis, and her language is straight. She does not use the word “cuddle” once. She explains what to ask the doc, what to ask the nurse, what to ask your family and what to care about and what to ignore in the short run.

AfterShock has a chapter on work: what to say, who to tell, how to proceed with Human Resources, and what your situation may be like from the HR and coworker perspective. It helps to know that.

One of my favorite lists that Gruman includes is the Personal Health Kit. I love seeing this here because it took me a year to get my chemo/caregiver kit just right. This is the bag (shoulder straps please) you will take to every doc appointment, test, chemo visit and lab. In addition to the obvious medical stuff you include your wrapped candy, treats, pens, book, pashmina, cardigan, phone list (better than your phone directory), phone charger, and sunglasses. (Yep, at least once you’ll need the sunglasses and you will have them right there.)

As I mentioned the other day, this is a book to buy and have on hand. If you are over 40 someone you know will get bad medical news this year—friend, neighbor, co-worker, family member. And you will have the perfect thing to give them on their first day of after shock.

What to Do When You Get Really Bad News

You may remember how you heard it.

 Were you in the hospital? A doctor’s office? Did you get a phone call? Maybe it was well and compassionately done, or maybe the doctor fumbled the news and blurted out your diagnosis or prognosis.

What so many people have said was how quickly the fog descended. They remember the dissociation and fear flowing on top of reason. When I received my cancer diagnosis I was young (in my twenties) and alone and massively in denial. I was more concerned that my married “boy friend” not know about my health issues. I definitely did not have a list of questions or a notebook or a plan.

When John got his preliminary cancer diagnosis I was in the curtained room of the medical suite, and when he got the definitive diagnosis of Stage Four cancer I was there in the new surgeon’s office as well. We were both shocked, both times—sure that such a healthy, fit guy with zero symptoms could have such a serious cancer gobbling him up.

I began writing “Love in the Time of Cancer” that year to process my feelings, to document what it was like to be in love and cancer at the same time and to become a new and better resource for others than I had been able to find for us.

You’ve seen here lots of helpful websites, articles and books. Today I want to suggest a book that is new to me that you will likely want to have handy for your family or for a friend or coworker.

The book is called, “After Shock—What to Do When the Doctor Gives You a Devastating Diagnosis.”  The author is Jessie Gruman, Ph.D. She is a scholar, researcher and the founder of the Center for the Advancement of Health—an independent health policy institute.

This is the book I wish I’d had and the book your doctor should hand you but probably didn't. And this is not just a cancer book—the guidelines, checklists and stories are helpful for a diagnosis of heart disease, stroke, multiple sclerosis, ALS—and of course, cancer.

I think this book is also something you can do for a friend or coworker when you have no idea what to do or when boundaries prohibit getting too involved—maybe at work or with an ex etc.

In the next few posts I’ll share some of the highlights and what I think is especially helpful from “After Shock”.