Don't Be a Victim

Here is an exercise that I use in all of my classes, whether for writers or for caregivers. It can be used as a daily practice and it works well for me when I feel self-pity coming on, or whenever I start to blame someone else for my feelings. The exercise is called, “Don’t Be A Victim” and it goes like this:

First, you complete each sentence below in your notebook, Fill in the blank with the first thought that comes to mind.

I HAVE TO_____________________________

I CAN’T__________________________________

After you have completed those sentences do this:

Go back and cross out the word “Have” in the first sentence and replace it with “Choose”, and then:

Go back and cross out the word “Can’t” in the second sentence and replace it with “Don’t want to. ”

You might be shocked and you might even debate those new sentences, but give it some thought. These really are your choices. For example you might have first written, “I have to be at work by 8.” But you change that to say; “I choose to be at work by 8.” And you argue that, but I have to or I’ll be in trouble. But that IS your choice. You don’t want trouble or hassle or a reprimand and so you CHOOSE to get there by 8. It is your choice. 

It is always your choice.

The point:

If you don’t like your life fix it.

Don’t feel sorry for yourself; it will destroy you.

Accept responsibility for your own life.

Stop lying to yourself.

Teach yourself not to be a victim.

Bonus points: Do this exercise with kids. Teach them young.

Check Your Language

The language of cancer: victim, survivor, thriver, patient. What do you call yourself and what do others call you? Below is a link from New York Times Health Pages and author Susan Gubar, who wrote the terrific book called, "Memoir of a Debulked Woman" about her ovarian cancer experience.

In the article below she writes about cancer's language and how we identify ourselves. She raises the tricky linguistics versus timing question: if you are not at the five year mark can you claim "survivor? If your cancer was 20 years ago can you still play that card? I live with these questions . I'm a cancer caregiver and a cancer...what? survivor? patient? person?

Gubar is simply a great writer. So click on the link below and take a look. And share this one with your friends.

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/09/06/not-a-cancer-survivor/?smid=pl-share

My Happiness is My Business

I’ve been grumbling today. My to-do list is too long. I’m achy and tired. I’m mad at John. I’m mad at John because his list is not as long as mine. And he doesn’t sweat the small stuff in the ways that I do. But in my head I’m making my case: “It’s all up to me; look at all I do; I’ll never get it all done; how can I feel sexy or happy when I have all this to do?” Etc.

Then this thought came to me: My happiness is not his business. Many of the things on my list are there because I care about details. I coordinate and I make things match and I’m a nut about following up with friends; I have a long list of self-care tasks that I do because I want to and I have two jobs and I love to read, dance, play golf, exercise and take classes. Yeah, the list is too long, but it’s mostly my list.

I can’t tell you how grateful I am for this fresh thought. My happiness is my business. When I try to make my unhappiness his business then I’m making me a victim. Wow.