Maybe you are trying to be
kind. Maybe you are trying to be supportive. Maybe you are trying to validate
the challenging experience of a friend who is a family caregiver. But believe me, when you tell a caregiver
that they look tired, you are doing none of those things.
In fact, it’s just the
opposite.
You say something like, “Oh
honey, you look tired.” Or, “Are you OK? You look a little tired.”
Not helpful.
Not a compliment
Not going to fix anything.
Think about it: What exactly
are you saying when you tell a friend that they look tired?
It usually means one or more of the following: dark shadows
under the eyes, red eyes, sallow skin, poor posture, saggy facial tone, slumped
shoulders, bad or melting makeup, dirty hair, not smiling, low energy, tension
in the face or shoulders.
Does any of those things
signify attractiveness? No.
So what you are doing when you say, “You look
tired” is to say to your friend, “You look unattractive today.”
Is that what you meant as helpful?
Now I get it: You run into
your friend who is a family caregiver. You know she is having a hard time and
maybe you even know that she’s been tired.
Wouldn’t it be more helpful to say,
“You look wonderful today.” Or “I love that color on you.” Or the best: “How
are you feeling today?”
And let her tell you the
status of her energy.
Because what if—and this
happens a lot—she’s having a day full of hope, and it’s one of her better days,
and maybe she is feeling the best she has felt in weeks, and secretly hoping
she looks good today.
And then there you are, full
of well-intended (we hope) compassion, heartily jabbing your caring needle--
“Oh dear, you look tired” --in her balloon.
Don’t do that. There’s no
need. There are so many other ways to be kind to a family caregiver.
