Keeping Desire Alive in A Long Relationship

I recently watched the TED Talk by Esther Perel- on the Secret to Desire in a Longterm Relationship and I was impressed by several things starting with: Perel is smart and funny and frank. And she's clear that lingerie and new positions are not at the heart of keeping desire alive.

The other thing that  hit home listening to this talk was her characterization of the erotic as opposite of death or trauma. We know that cancer is a trauma and cancer is death--whether one's diagnosis is terminal or not cancer simply brings death closer to both partners in a relationship. It could be that the emotional proximity of death is as much a cause of a waning sex life as the physical side effects that come with cancer. But it's also possible, I think, to channel that death charge--it's energy after all-- into a powerful erotic charge to bring great sex back.

I invite you to spend 20 minutes watching Perel's talk using the link below.

http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship.html

Jealousy and the Other Woman

“The girl wants the mother and feels shame with her jealousy for wanting the mother. The father is the fulcrum in the triangle of the girl reaching for her mother.”

--from The Mermaid and the Minotaur

I found this in a file dated 1996. I was struggling with jealousy in some relationship then and trying to understand it. What is striking about this idea is that it explains something I have felt and been unable to articulate and that is the complexity of jealousy for women. Women’s jealousy about another woman gets confusing because there is an element of desire for the other woman even as we wish to kick her out. A woman not only wants her man to give up or quit the other woman but she also wants the other woman. This explains how anger gets misdirected in infidelity and affairs. It explains the obsession with “her”. There is a taboo being activated and some dark homoerotic lust/revulsion pushing up from down deep in the archetypes.

I have felt this before and I have been the object of this quality coming from other women’s jealousy toward me. I have certainly felt this confusion about John’s ex-wife, and I have been ashamed of these feelings in myself.

We are not simple creatures and so it means we must—and I must—be gentle and self-forgiving.

Before Strongly Desiring Anything

“Before strongly desiring anything,
we should look carefully into the happiness of its present owner.”


Francois duc de la Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

I found that quote on a calendar years ago and I saved it.
Today it hits me more strongly than ever. For me this can apply to desire for:

A house
A car
A dog
A job
A man

Especially a man.