Fight Fear with Self-care

“Self-care never leads us away from our highest good; it leads us toward it.” 

--Melody Beatty

This is a lesson I have to learn over and over. So I’m sharing Melody Beatty’s quote here for you and maybe to remind me too. 

When cancer’s fear hits my first reaction is Control and then, Get Busy. I understand the dynamic. Fear cannot hit a moving target. So when we get scared we get busy, and when we get busy we get more tired and more stressed. It makes sense and is understandable. But...

in CancerLand there is so much to be afraid of: words we can’t pronounce, side effects that come and go and which can sometimes be terrifying (He stops breathing when he opens the refrigerator door—not even the freezer—just the fridge!). And the lingo of the medical establishment and copays that go up and up and up. Then of course the medical reality: people die of cancer. We know that so even though we experience so many cancers as chronic illnesses now, some are still fast to the finish line.

And for caregivers there is also the secret fear with the more chronic cancers: “Will this be my/our life forever?” “Will quarterly blood tests rule my emotions all year?”

In this Land you will be tempted to do more, move faster, read more and that means less self-care (for both patient and caregiver)—and note: medical appointments are not self-care—they are just business –as-usual in CancerLand.

I know, fighting fear with self-care seems counter-intuitive but believe me, it works.

What’s not easy is learning what true self-care is for you. Start with the standard prescription: manicure, massage, lunch with friends, a new pretty blouse. But then dig deeper. Maybe for you self-care means getting away alone for an overnight. OR maybe it means a movie marathon with someone else who loves Downton Abbey or going for a long run or doing a 5K.

Or –and this is radical—try some volunteering. (But absolutely not cancer related activities) Instead volunteer to hang an art show at a school gallery or tutor young kids or plant bulbs in a city park. Find people who don’t know you as a cancer patient or cancer caregiver (and don’t tell them). Take time to experience yourself apart from cancer.

You will be tempted—very tempted—to say, “I can’t do that, I’m needed, things are not great right now…” But it is life—and living life –that is the best self-care and the best antidote to fear.

Eat, Drink and Go Shopping

You’ll hear the advice in every caregiver class and every support group: You have to take care of yourself. You have to do nice things for yourself. You have to build treats and fun things into your caregiving life.

It’s great advice and perfectly true. You do need good meals, favorite treats and a wonderful dinner out once a month or once a week. You need to buy lovely toiletries so you can take that highly recommended bubble bath. And yes, to manage your stress you do need to get a massage, a facial, a pedicure or a makeover.

“Shop Therapy” is recommended by caregiver experts. They say it’s helpful to take yourself to a mall—and that high end malls are especially beautiful, comforting places to shop or people watch. And yes, especially after a hard stretch—managing a surgery or a long regimen of treatments, you should buy the dress, scarf or shoes. Shopping is especially helpful because it is forward facing. You think about your future when you are buying a new dress. You are reminding yourself that you will have a life again and that you will get back to what matters to you.

It is also OK to have a glass of wine at night and a wonderful piece of chocolate and yes, to order in pizza with all of the fixings, and if you love to cook, then go ahead and make that “Darn Good Chocolate Cake.”

But.

Yes, but.

But don’t eat all of that cake, and don’t drink the wine every night. Don’t shop everyday, especially online. And don’t slip into the danger zone with any addictive substances.

How will you know? It’s not easy. You are stressed. You may have prescriptions of your own for sleep or anxiety or depression. And you have access to his or her meds too. So number one: Are you taking your meds as prescribed? And are you taking --or tempted to take --medication prescribed to another person?

If “Shop Therapy” is your primary release do you feel better afterward? Or are there twinges of sadness or shame or regret? Can you pay for what you are buying? Are you shopping to get even with him/her for being sick?

Alcohol may be the trickiest area. Everyone, well almost everyone, will tell you that you deserve that glass of wine. But you have to ask yourself: how big is that glass? Are you refilling it before it’s empty? Do you watch the clock to see if it’s “time” for your drink? And again, do you have remorse, regret, or shame about your drinking?

The biggest signal of all that one of your “soothers” may be creating trouble is if you keep it a secret. So do you hide your shopping, spending, eating, drinking or drug use? That is your best self’s way of telling you that something is “off” in your caregiver self-care.

Getting honest with a good friend can help and so will talking with your caregiver support group. A good group with an experienced facilitator won’t be surprised or judgmental. And they can help you move back to into balance or to get help that is just for you.