Too many “What if’s?” I lie awake and they flood me: What if the next blood test is bad? What if the mark on his leg is more cancer? What if I have to face this again? For him? For me? What if I lose my job? Will my friends make it through another round with me? It was hard on everyone last time; everyone worked so hard to help me and us. Under all of this is the big one: What if we don’t have time? What if we don’t get to live out the love and hope and fun we have looked forward to? What if he dies while his kids are so angry? Will there be enough time for them to reconcile and not out of guilt? What will happen to them if they are forced to choose guilt or fear? Is there enough therapy in the world?
I keep trying to find a solution to the unsolvable. I keep wanting to make the equation come out right. But I don’t know how to solve for X and I don’t know the formula for his happiness, my peace, his kids to be well. The shortcut terrible solution I offer him is go back, go back.
They will never know how many times I sent him home and he wouldn’t go back.
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