Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Cancer Caregiver Redux

A year later and I am walloped by unexpected resentment. I am remembering last July and how everyday was exhausting from taking care of him, all the household needs and work. He was lost in a fog of chemo and exhaustion. I had no partner and no comfort. But people all around me were praising me and saying wonderful things and I bought in.

I realized this week that I was making a deal and I didn’t even know I was doing it. I thought this summer would be mine; that he would be so appreciative that he’d say “Hey honey, this is your summer, lets make this one good for you.” Wrong. Surprise. The unspoken deals and even the unconscious deal I had made within myself. This summer is hard too and no one is giving me roses or a break.

Time to grow up: No one is going to take care of me but me. Makes me sad and the resentment is there, but better to face this than live is a pond of resentful expectation.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

narcicissm.

Anonymous said...

Preoccupation with oneself, with one's problems, one's needs, one's aspirations is not healthy. If you think that you are "in love' with someone, then these preoccupations recede somewhat. They don't dominate unless the "other" takes advantage.

You have described yourself as middle-aged. When do you think that you will come to grips with the realities of life and relationships?

Perhaps you won't. Perhaps it's just a symptom of your mental illness that you can't. Because one would think that by middle-age with your apparent history that you would have learned something. But it appears that you haven't. You grapple with issues that any reasonably-balanced, normal person would have resolved long ago.

So what's next?

Anonymous said...

Um - this is her BLOG. A blog is a narcissistic thing. If you aren't going to offer some encouragement or you have nothing positive to say, why are you here? Does it make you feel better about yourself to criticize anonymously? Are you happier now that you have tried to tear someone down?

I hope you never have to deal with cancer, and the way it changes a person as well as those closest to them.

Anonymous said...

One can see that July 18 Anonymous is an enabler. You don't get past your problems unless you deal with them. As unfortunate and difficult a condition is cancer, it can't be used to ignore real personal issues.

Playing the part of the victim, particularly one that feels entitled as much as this blogger, is not a solution.

So don't enable.

Anonymous said...

I am not an enabler - I don't know anyone here. I am a cancer patient, and read this blog as a way to better understand and appreciate my caregivers.

I do not tear down people I don't know 'anonymously'. I guess you must be perfect, with no human flaws or weaknesses. But if that were the case, I would expect more compassion and understanding from you.