I kill John over and over. Even before he had cancer, and especially now that he does, I imagine his death. I am imagining him being taken away from me. I am imagining losing him. To be fair, I have always done this—imagined that people I love will die. It’s not without grounds; all of my family has died and I watched each one go, some fast, some slow. Now, having this long fought for love, there is a special cruelty in his cancer. There are real grounds for my fear. But I also know that I can lose what is here and what is now by constantly living in his dying.
On our vacation to Florida I read the book, “Beginner’s Greek” by James Collins and in it I discovered this line that I cherish as a new mantra:
“For the sake of goodness and love, man shall grant death no dominion over his thoughts.”
It is from “The Magic Mountain”, by Thomas Mann.
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