Resentment

In AA they say that resentment is like giving someone rent free space in your head. They also say that resentment is like setting yourself on fire and hoping the other person dies of smoke inhalation.

In Cancerland resentment is rarely spoken of publicly. Caregivers are saints and people with cancer are noble and heroic. But really, isn’t everybody pissed? I am. The only reason I know that I have to admit this is that years ago when I was taking care of my dying brothers I had so much resentment and then so much shame for feeling that resentment. My brother Larry was so difficult. Just a total pain in the ass patient. Some days I’d call my friend Brigid—the only person I could admit my secret “bad” feelings to --and I’d say “If he doesn’t die soon I’m gonna kill him.” Then I would sob all the way home I was so heartbroken that my big brother was in fact going to die soon.

Today I tell that story to other caregivers to give them permission to be resentful and to be pissed. It's part of caregiving but rarely spoken off in its full force. Again, in the way cancer folks call sex cuddling; they talk about resentment as “at times you’ll feel angry”. Nope, at times you will feel hate and really, really pissed.

Don’t make it worse by feeling bad that you feel so bad.