Medical Reimbursement & Cancer's Return

It’s time to complete the benefits election paperwork for both of our employers. We have stacks of paper from his job and from mine. The pile has moved from kitchen counter to dining room table to the living room floor and back to the kitchen. I remind him, “We have to talk about this.” and “How much should we put in the medical reimbursement account this year?” I’m avoiding it too, pushing the task to him, noting my particularly unfeminist separation of duties.

This has gone on for a month.

Last night, annoyed that the pile of papers is back in the living room, I nag again “We have to turn those in on Monday—let’s decide how much to put in this account.” In my head its all about the number—how much should we designate pre-tax to allow for medical expenses next year? My internal juggle –I assume—is about making sure we have enough to cover dental for two adults, eye care for two sets of aging eyes, and enough for deductibles, co-pays and prescriptions. It’s a calculation.

Why is this so hard? Why are we procrastinating?

My annoyed voice bothers him so at 11pm we get out the calculator and paper and start in. “OK, so if we each need new glasses this year, and if we assume we each need a crown and a couple of cleanings, and what about any medicines?” But as we talk my stomach starts to hurt. Really hurt.

And then I realize that what we are not talking about is this: What if cancer returns? How do we do that calculation? How do we guess at those huge copays and the multiple prescriptions? But really, how do we talk about this seemingly money thing, which has nothing to do with money?

My stomach hurts. I take a breath. I say to him, “This is all about cancer.” We choose this number now, but on your next test in July we’ll know for sure if the cancer is back. Then what? And the “what” isn’t about the money. I tell him that we talk about cancer and don’t talk about cancer. It’s always out there. Out there in the tests and the meds and the lingering neuropathy, and it’s out there in the obituaries of people younger than us who “endured a brave battle with lung/breast/colon/brain cancer.”

But this simple form that asks for a single simple number has yanked cancer into our living room hard and fast and frightening.

We sit up and talk. The number was easy. The conversation was not. But we’re not so far apart in our numbers or our beliefs about what to do if and when. “We have great sex,” we say, “and we can have great cancer and even great death.” We can do this.

It is intimacy of the most devastating kind and the most real. 

Sexuality and Spirituality

A few weeks ago I went on a retreat at Wisdom House in Connecticut. The retreat leader was Don Bisson, a Marist Brother from upstate New York. The topic of the retreat was “Sexuality and Spirituality.” We spent three days listening and writing and being quiet with ideas about God and bodies, the Incarnation, sex and shame, and because Don is also a Jungian analyst, we talked a lot about Jung’s ideas of sexuality and spirit, and that holy, psychic intersection of sexuality and spirituality.

I’m still burbling over much of this material but I want to share a few of the things that I want to ponder more –and likely will ponder more with you here on this blog. Here are some of my take-aways from Don Bisson:

“The skills of intimacy with another person are the same skills needed for intimacy with God.”

“Intimacy with another person IS intimacy with God—it’s not a separate thing.”

“St Francis of Assisi became compassionate and whole by accepting his anima and his animus—he called them Brother Sun and Sister Moon.”

“Sexuality is not exclusively procreative. The purpose of marriage is to find the right person to force you to individuate. The goal of life is not happiness but individuation.”

“All relationships are sexual because we are in human bodies.”

What Friends Don't Tell Each Other

Part of why it takes so long to learn how to make sex good is that we don’t talk about it enough. Now that may seem crazy if you think about the number of times sex is mentioned in movies, magazines and on TV. But really talk about it? Not so much.

Think about your closest gal pals and what you know about them and what they know about you. We’re told how hard it is to talk about money. Do you know how much your friends make? If they have family money? The amount of debt they have?

And what about your friend’s spiritual life: Do they believe in God? Do you know who prays and when and how?

Money and God is a lot of intimate info to know about a person. And then there is sex.

Now the odd thing is that you may know about some really personal stuff about your closest friends. You know about the difficult childhood and the deep wounds carried from parents or siblings. You may know about family illnesses: mental illness and addiction and alcoholism. You talk about the secret shames of the workplace, the tensions in marriages, the pain from breakups. You may even know about the secret surgeries---the eye job her husband doesn’t even know she had on your “girl’s weekend”. But do you know if she does Kegels?

Yeah Kegels. How could a close friend not talk to her closest women friends about Kegels? Do you do yours? Does she do hers? Have you talked about how much better sex is with a regular Kegels routine?

And masturbation. We believe that we are free, open minded and liberal but have you ever told a woman friend that you had a great time—alone—after a stressful week at work? Do you know if she prefers erotica and what kinds?

Imagine your best friend in the world and the parts of her life you don’t know about. And start talking. Everyone will be happier.

Hope 2011 An Evening for Women Cancer Survivors--and Their Friends.

For women in the New York Capital Region area—please mark your calendar for this evening/dinner event: provocative conversation, humor, gourmet healthy dinner and Miche handbags!


Join us for:   H.O.P.E. 2011: Honoring Female Cancer Survivors:
Opening Up Communication * Providing Education * Empowering Lives

Date: Thursday September 15th, 2011

Location: Hilton Garden Inn 235 Hoosick Street Troy, New York

 A Healthy Gourmet Supper with Presentations: “Difficult Conversations”

The Fear of Mammography and Colon Screening
Sabrina Mosseau BS,RN,OCN – Administrative Director Medical Oncology and Women’s Health; Samaritan Hospital Cancer Treatment Center

The Silence about Sex and Intimacy
Diane Cameron Pascone – Director of Development - Unity House Troy, Contributing writer to the Times Union

The Importance of Money Strategies for Women
Christopher Nuss MBA, ChFC, CLU,CLTC – Wealth Management Advisor – Northwestern Mutual Financial Network

Time: Registration @ 5:30pm Dinner and Presentations @ 6pm

There is a $15.00 fee to attend this program. This will be collected at the door.

Registration required by September 9th to Sabrina Mosseau @ 518-271-3324 or mosseaus@nehealth.com

Taking a Risk

The past week has been good. Travels and reading and art. And fear. Fears rise up again and push me and pull me. It is cancer and death and money and other women and the story in my imagination always has the same ending: I am alone. Years of therapy have taught me that I come by this fear honestly. There were huge and horrible abandonments in my early life. But while I can chronicle them they have left scars and bad emotional habits. One is scaring myself to death on a regular basis.

But this week something new. Risk taking by going toward John and not away from him. Risk taking by going toward intimacy rather than girding myself from it. Risk taking by letting him in—bit by bit—on the fears and fantasies that make being me a daily challenge.

I have a new idea. This vulnerability-and it is that—is not a concession of weakness or something I give over to him, but a strength in me and an acceptance of the woman I am who has survived so much and who still wants to give and receive love.

Churches are Closing

We went to church this afternoon. We haven’t been to the Catholic Church together in months, but today the Bishop’s decisions about church closings and merges would be announced at the 4pm mass across the Capital Region. I felt it was a moment to experience and I was very curious to see how the simultaneous messaging would be done.

It was done very well. The music was about following Christ wherever he goes. The messages were about all people being welcomed and we also sang about surrendering to God’s will. Coincidence? Then the priest, not the Pastor for our parish but one from across town. Another message: Get ready for change. At the time of the sermon the priest had a humorous opener about dealing with the unexpected and making the most of a bad day then he read a letter from the Bishop---the body of the letter would be read in every church at the same time but one paragraph was customized for each church giving them the news of their church or “planning group.” The news for our church was minimal. One small church in a rural area will close in two years and the other three churches are encouraged to work closely together.

In other churches we knew it had to be worse. Congregations in Troy, Watrevliet and Cohoes were hearing the words “will close”. There had to be gasps and tears and there had to be anger.

I think about our Bishop, Howard Hubbard. A man becomes a priest to have a life of the sprit, to serve God and to one would think—not deal with the congress of the rest of the world. Instead for this man he becomes the CEO of the Diocese and has huge personnel problems, PR and marketing problems, deficit after deficit and then merger upon merger. He is living a CEO nightmare and has to make decisions with committee after committee. I do pray for this guy!

It was great to be in church with John. To hold hands, to sing side by side. To say words we both learned elsewhere and have said before, but now say together. Participating in mass together is a kind of intimacy that goes beyond sex.

Talking About Sex

Did you watch Oprah today? I came home early just to see Sex 101 with Dr. Laura Berman and it was worth it just to get the foreplay map…a little sketch of a cutout doll and the exercise is to mark where you want to be stimulated and your partner marks where he/she thinks you want to be stimulated then hey hey—compare drawings. Then do the other person’s zones.

Yes to estrogen, vibrators, pole dancing and changing the inner voices and it’s all good stuff. But since this blog is about love and cancer let me tell you that it gets to be a special challenge when you throw in surgery, chemotherapy, medications and yes, the side by side effects!

Oprah’s message from today’s Sex 101 is: Tell the Truth and that is probably the hardest part of love (and sex) in the time of cancer but even though I have sobbed (and sobbed and sobbed) about my fears related to this part of our life I have also felt something in me shift. I want intimacy and I want a good sex life and I want that good sex in this relationship. So it means some unbelievably frank talk (with John not Frank of course) and it means some risky and frisky adaptations. But what I realized today watching Oprah is that this relationship is based on some amazingly risky choices and shocking decisions so why shouldn’t our sex life include those values as well.

Tonight, I’ll be talking the man talk with my man.

Thanks Oprah!

Intimacy and Autonomy

I'm trying to find the middle. What is the midpoint between caring and self-sacrifice? What is loving and what is subjugation? How do I take care of him and not lose me? How do I learn about his life and not lose my own? This is the challenge in all relationships—the balance between or the pendulum swinging from intimacy to autonomy. A good relationship needs both for both partners. But it’s never at the same time. I feel vulnerable here, like I could get lost, drown in his life, lose my own. And then what? Hate him and me.