Mary Roach-- Still Not Talking About Sex

I’ve been on a Mary Roach reading binge. Her gift is making science accessible and in particular, making squeamish topics understandable and often bringing compassion to those subjects.

Roach has written about diseases and doctors, swallowing, digestion and elimination, and she has a special fondness for corpses. And, as I wrote last week, she writes beautifully and informatively about sex.

As you know, from reading this blog, I am an advocate for the need to make information about sex and physical intimacy available to couples facing cancer. I push and pull, and cajole and occasionally rant. But I have also assumed that, maybe; in other parts of medicine the conversation is more open, more supportive.

But then I read Roach’s new book, “Grunt—The Curious Science of Humans at War,” and

discovered that sex talk is even more restricted in military medical settings. Alas.

In chapter 4 called, “Below the Belt” Roach is visiting Walter Reed Hospital and she is observing and interviewing urogenital specialists who are repairing and caring for veterans who have injuries “below the belt”. These injuries are called urotrauma. Male vets are having penises, testicles, and urethras rebuilt and sometimes recreated. Yes, very specialized and very sensitive work.

So these are mostly combat vets—the ones who risked life and limb (and apparently their genitals, sex lives and reproduction) for the rest of us to live free. So surely they will get the extra help to deal with their urogenital injuries?

But it turns out, no. Or not so much. It seems the squeamishness about sex extends—sadly—to veterans too. It’s especially odd since the diagnostic term is “urogenital sexual injury.” Clearly acknowledging these parts below the belt have duty assignments.

Here is Roach recalling a conversation with nurse manager, Christine DesLauriers: “Its amazing how many (medical providers) are frightened to bring it up.” 

A Marine once said to DesLauriers, “Christine, I’ve had 36 surgeries on my penis, I’ve had my shaft completely reconstructed, and not one dam person told me how I’m going to go home and use the thing on my wife.”

When Roach asked DesLauriers about the divorce rate, she replied: “Divorce rate? How about suicide rate. And what a shame to lose them after they’ve made it back. We keep them alive but we don’t teach them how to live.”

For me, that’s it right there-whether it’s cancer or combat: Keeping them alive but not teaching them how to live. So let’s keep this conversation open and ask for all medical personnel to get real about how to survive and how to thrive. Longevity and sex.

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And yet more on veterans and trauma in my new book, "Never Leave Your Dead" published by Central Recovery Press.