Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The What If Game

I have been sick for a week. Sinus, throat, cough, aches. Finally went to the doctor and she said that this is a winter bug. I feel better each day but it’s tough to shake. The other thing going on is I realized that in my head I play a little game called, “What if I have cancer?” The soreness in my mouth could be melanoma. My difficulty swallowing might be a sign of esophageal cancer. Maybe the lung congestion is really lung cancer? With each fantasy I think: Who would I tell? Would I get treatment? Could I go through chemo? surgery? Disfiguring surgery? Would I have the courage to kill myself? How would I get guidance to make that decision well? I think about doctors and hospitals. I wonder about love and romance and yes, sex.

Maybe this is a testing of situational ethics. Maybe it’s my narcissistic self-absorption. Maybe some lingering jealousy of John as the patient. Maybe I just can’t let a cold be a cold and accept the humanity and inconvenience of that.

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