Saturday, September 20, 2008

Facing The Feelings in Cancer and Caregiving

Friends have been shocked by my admission that I have had feelings of jealousy around John’s cancer. Others—who are caregivers --have said, “Yes, I felt that too” but they are sheepish or ashamed that they had what seems a terrible thought.

I have a fierce feeling about this: I don’t want to deny any of the thoughts or feelings that I am having as I go through this experience. I don’t want to miss this experience. I am living this and that is bad enough. I don’t want to add denial and pretense to the mix.

I learned a long time ago that there are no feelings that someone else has not had and few things that we have thought or done that someone else has not thought or done. I know that when someone—hearing of a shocking incident or a stunning admission says, “Can you imagine?” that the correct answer is always “Yes”. We are most often horrified by the things that we can imagine rather than the ones we cannot.

It is also why I am writing this blog. I want to record in one place what this was really like. I want one person to know how good and how bad loving someone with cancer can be. I want to challenge myself each day to skip the platitudes and the saccharine and face head on what this relationship with love and cancer is really like.

1 comment:

caregiver lady said...

i was so touched by your honesty and i can go one round further,,, i have and loved my husband for over 47 years, and we have fought this cancer for over 10.. give or take,, care, treatment, remisson, and now total full blown death watch... the most important quality to remember is that we are all human and no one knows how one would feel caring at home with the help of hospice teams,, what it is like to experience.. i wish it on no one i know,,, but most important is to allow yourself your own feelings, and be kind to yourself for those... i miss the happiness we should have had in our "later years,, forget golden,," and i miss the joy of sharing a life with our wonderful family and children and grandchildren, but i have developed skills i never knew i possesed, and i really love and care about that man,, for all he has given to our lives... so let that person know that, and share your caring feelings and share the other feelings, with those who know, you are a wonderful person and would do anything to make it different.. do not punish yourself over these thoughts,, as nothing is off limits,, i wish for peaceful death every night and have no guilt over that... i wish for peace and know that this is the right feeling to feel for now... be well and be kind to your inner soul... i am sure it is very pure... plbryan@cox.net