Sexual Healing

I do believe that sex is life giving. It is for me. Maybe I overestimate the power of sex or my own sexual power but there are moments when I think, “Every time he has an orgasm I am saving his life.” Ok, maybe that’s a kind of a ramped up, X-rated Florence Nightingale but there is something to it. Libido is life force. An orgasm is “le petit mort”—a little death. Sex is a little life and a little death.

Making Love to Save Your Life

Every time we make love I am grateful—and amazed. It gets better and better and no one in Cancerland told me this was possible. On one hand as we are learn more about each other intimacy grows, fantasies and desires deepen and are safer to explore. And yes there is more humor; we laugh in bed which also means that we can bring lots of other feelings there too: anger, fear, lust and simple curiosity.

But still, who would have guessed that there could be so much sex in the face of cancer and chemo? Well, not until you realize that cancer is a sexual challenge. It’s a sexual challenge not just in the “Your love life may change” language of cancer pamphlets, but cancer is a challenge to the psyche and to libido in a powerful way.

Cancer says, “I’ll take your life.” and being sexual says, “No FUCKING way.”

One fights for one’s life with cancer. We knew that—all the dead metaphors: battle, fight, struggle etc. But one also fights WITH one’s life—literally with one’s libido—the life force, creativity, sex. Libido and life will out.

It’s really too bad that the cancer lit doesn’t talk about this—doesn’t give this option a voice. They could at least tell patients and families: “Yes, your sex life might change. You may have to make adjustments, you may have to cuddle more OR you might just have the best sex of your life.”