Changing Normal: One Couple. Two Cancers.

In her new book, “Changing Normal” Marilu Henner—(actress, author, wellness expert and radio host) tells the story of a mid-life romance and how love and an alternative diet and treatment has helped her to help her husband beat cancer.

It’s a story about alternative treatments for bladder and lung cancer, and a story primarily

about how to advocate for truly integrated medicine. Henner is known to many of us from the TV show “Taxi”. And in the book she is just as loveable and a lot fiercer about taking on the medical establishment.

When, early in their relationship, Michael is diagnosed and surgery is prescribed, Henner’s experience as a wellness advocate comes to play and pays off.

While interesting as a book about alternative care for cancer, the best of this book is about patient/caregiver partnership, and how a couple ideally teams up to fight for both wellness and their relationship. It is a book about how couples can create a powerful caregiving team, and present that strength to the medical establishment—to push for more—sometimes better-options. 

Love Lost in Cancer Land

I found a note in one of my cancer files today. It’s from 2008 when our cancer dance began. Reading it stabbed me—I can recall that pain so vividly, but it also heartened me—in a sense—because I survived and we survived and yes, love survived.

But this old note I had written to myself also reminded me how dam hard cancer is for couples. How painful this worst side effect truly is, and that this is what no one at chemo talks about and what no doctor—or nurse—ever asks about.

There is so much loneliness in Cancer Land. And it is untouchable from the outside. Both patient and caregiver have their own versions, maybe mirror images. But sometimes I think there is much less room for the partner or caregiver to have this acknowledged. Reading this I ache for every couple facing cancer.

Here is the old note I found today:

“I am so lonely. It’s not a lonely that a movie or a meal or a pep talk can fix. The man I love cannot see me or take care of me. He is so sick. What I hoped for is not realized. The relationship is not one of equals. My dreams, my health, my work, my struggles are pushed aside. I am hurt, sad, angry, grieving.”

July 19 2008

Don't Use the C Word in CancerLand

Every now and then I start to think that maybe we just had a uniquely bad experience in Cancer Land. I'll see an article about "Remaining Intimate Through Cancer Treatment" and I think, "See you just didn't ask the right questions." Then I read the article and there it is: The C Word...experts in Cancer Land are still thinking that cuddling equals sex.

Now, don't get me wrong--I like cuddling. I like it any old time and I particularly like it after sex..but it's not sex, not all by itself. Cuddling might be sensual and it might express sexuality and it might be a prelude to sex and yes, it might be all you can do when sometimes you can't have any sex, but why not just say that?

This weekend I was at a conference with professionals in the Addictions Treatment industry. I gave a presentation on what happens in longterm recovery and of course one of the many things that happens is aging and along with aging comes the illnesses and disabilities that are unrelated to addiction--and that leads to the topic of caregiving. We were talking about the issues that affect caregivers an I mentioned the challenge for caregivers in talking about sex with cancer care professionals. And the hands shot in the air.

More stories of doctors who won't talk about sex and nurses who refused to talk specifics about sex--and even therapists who avoid talking about sex while trying to help couples communicate about their cancer.

So a ban on The C word in CancerLand. And more info and maybe soon a post about the very specific questions you can pass to your doctor in a note.