The Glorious Debris

“Every one of us

 is called upon, probably many

 times, to start a new life.

A frightening diagnosis, a

marriage, a move, loss of a job…

And onward full tilt we go,

pitched and wrecked and absurdly

resolute, driven in spite of

everything to make good on a

new shore. To be hopeful, to

embrace one possibility after

another—that surely is the basic

instinct…..Crying out: High tide!

Time to move out into the

glorious debris. Time to take

this life for what it is.”

--Barbara Kingsolver, from High Tide in Tucson

Patience Humor Computer

I’ve been gone for days in New Computer Land. Not just new but also my first Mac. ( A MacBook Pro ). She’s so pretty and slim and graceful and making me crazy. I knew I had to be a beginner all over again and I knew I’d have to play, explore and experiment, but I forgot that it would also feel frustrating. A lot like being in a new relationship—minus the good sex.

I can instantly see my control issues, my insistence on having things my way and perfectionist? I want to know how to use it already. (I want to be loved now—today). But I don’t and can’t until I play, experiment and oh yeah, go to school.

So a new commitment to my newest relationship: to be gentle and kind and to laugh and to trust that Ms. Mac and I will bond.

October Day

O hushed October morning mild,

Thy leaves have wakened to the fall;

Tomorrow s wind, if it be wild,

Should waste them all.

The crows above the forest call;

Tomorrow they may form and go.

O hushed October morning mild,

Begin the hours of this day slow.

Make the day seem to us less brief.

Heart not averse to being beguiled,

Beguile us in the way you know.

Release one leaf at break of day;

At noon release another leaf;

One from our trees, one far away.

Retard the sun with gentle mist;

Enchant the land with amethyst.

Slow, slow!

For the grapes sake, if they were all,

Whose leaves already are burnt with frost,

Whose clustered fruit must else be lost

For the grapes sake along the wall.



-----------------------------------Robert Frost

A New Job

The constant is change. I’m taking a new job starting in mid October and oh my, I had forgotten how hard it is to leave a job. There’s some thinking I need to adjust. I’m leaving a small organization and there is a lot to do to be able to leave and to make sure that everything is in place and that things are in good shape for the person who will follow me. Yes, just a touch of perfectionism! Ok, more therapy for that!

I’m excited but tired. Sad but happy. Nervous but encouraged. I’m looking forward to my new colleagues and to work that I can throw all of me into and to being part of a team again.

Will this change our relationship? I worry about that. John says no, but hey, he’s a guy. For today it’s all to the good and will be if I worry less and sleep more.

Unexpected Gifts

A challenge this weekend became a gift.

On Friday I came home to find that John’s ex-wife had been to our home and left a pile of pictures and cards on our doorstep. It was creepy and felt like a scary intrusion. When I found the stuff I had to make a quick decision. We were heading into a long weekend that we’d planned to have some romantic time together. I was upset by the intrusion but didn’t want us --or me-- to devolve into anger and accusation. I realized standing on my doorstep—key in hand-- that this could become a blow up or we could do this differently.

I prayed.

John arrived a few minutes later and I showed him what I’d found and said, “Let’s do this differently.” We went inside and talked. I told him what I felt and my fear, and he told me what he felt and his fears. We agreed that we had to do something. John said, “We will respond as a couple, and as us, and as we.”

Instead of fighting we talked. Instead of losing the evening we made dinner and watched a movie. Saturday we talked again about what to do. He said this is happening to us as a couple and we will respond as a couple. He drafted a letter to his ex-wife that we edited together and both signed. The conversations were not all easy. We talked about hurt and fear and the future trouble that this might cause.

I kept praying to change my thinking, my beliefs and my behavior. I felt myself stretching and being stretched. I didn’t get mad. We held hands when we talked. We heard each other and decided together.

Sunday night watching TV we thanked each other. We had in fact done it differently. We had our sweet weekend and we had become closer as a result of working out a solution together.

Last night, coming home from a concert, we talked in the car and realized that this weekend was a turning point. Facing this unsettling situation together had helped us recommit as a couple. It was a gift.

Winter Solstice

“Today is the darkest day and the beginning of the light. Pray for peace.”

For many years those have been what I have written in notes to friends on December 21st. I like solstice because it is about darkness and light. But today looking at those words it hit me that I am having an inner solstice too.

I have had a couple of hard days. Stuff with kids and stuff with us. More intimacy becomes more fear; moving closer to commitment sets off deep fears--mine and maybe his too.

So this morning when I heard, “Today is the darkest day and the beginning of the light” I thought, “Yes, this is the day that it shifts—from testing and pulling back to believing and moving toward, and from wondering if he really loves me to knowing we love each other. Any fights now are just us fighting our way to decide the kind of couple we want to be and not us tumbling off a cliff into the abyss.

Darkness becomes light. And peace

Golf Lesson

Yesterday I had a golf lesson with the course pro. A nice guy who hit that perfect middle between “guy’s guy” and “ladies man”. We broke down my swing into slow motion. I formed internal images of what I want and he gave me several swing exercises to practice. Exercises that give me feedback. I can hear and feel if I am doing it right. My body will learn and my head will follow.

Makes me wish for the same in new relationship skills. Bring the body and the mind will follow. Change your behavior and your thinking will align. Breakdown the new skill into baby steps and master each tiny change. One day I will simply swing and hit the ball high and far, and someday I will say, “No”, “Yes” or “Here is what will work best for me.”

What Have You Changed Your Mind About?

I just finished reading this book of really short essays by scientists and social scientists. The title of the book is the question that was posed to this posse of thinkers by Edge.com

The group riffs on linguistics, chaos theory, artificial intelligence and the size of the universe. All of that was pretty interesting but it’s this question:

“What have you changed your mind about?”

and its corollary:

“Who are you willing to change your mind about?” that have me thinking hard.

It’s about humility and imperfection and staying intellectually, emotionally and spiritually humble.

Am I willing to change my mind about this relationship? About my role? About my behavior? About his and hers and theirs? Am I willing to change my mind about “the right thing to do”? Am I willing to change my mind about who gets hurt? Who got hurt? Am I willing to change my mind about God’s will? About cancer and treatments and death and dying? Am I willing to change my mind about love and what real love behaves like? Am I willing to change my mind about what my mind tells me?

If Nothing Changes

It’s so easy to make this all about him and all about cancer. But the truth is also that I bring my past to this and that past and its fears run me. It’s hard to sort it out.

The New Year screams Change! Change! And asks me bluntly, “What do you want?”

I want peace and I want freedom. But I have these ancient beliefs that seem to run me: a belief in abandonment; a belief in defectiveness; a belief that I will not be loved. Against these beliefs in the evidence: my family died and I survived them; I lost so many people that I loved; but I also have people who love me, and who do not leave; this man tells me over and over that I am his dream woman and that I am the love of his life; I lean forward listening as if in a fog or partially blind and deaf; I hear what he says and I hear dimly what others say: I am talented, beautiful. But the ancient beliefs—the schema—scream as if to drown out the newer voices.

God help me.

Restore me to sanity.