I am Sick and Tired

Last night I went into the bathroom to take out my contact lenses and in less than a minute I was on the floor, head over the toilet and vomiting. Dizzy, diarrhea, vomiting. I lay on the floor and then crawled into bed. After that I was back to the bathroom every three hours for another round.

Was it something I ate? (John and I ate the same food) Was it the flu? (I had a flu shot) Some other bug?

Finally it was morning and I was empty and exhausted. I began to sip juice and warm Coke and to eat dry cheerios one tiny O at a time. But I am tired and still a bit dizzy. I get up to work then lay back down. It’s frustrating. I am not good at being sick.

I think about John’s chemo and know I could never do it. I fight being sick. I can’t surrender. It makes it worse.

And yes, all the while I am thinking, “what if this is something worse, the start of a real medical problem?” The odds are that it is not that but now I have an extra layer of fear having seen life go from ordinary to cancer.