Sick and Tired

John’s fatigue increases. We were told that the recovery time between each chemo session would become shorter but until now he has been OK during the chemo days then day three is tired, day four more tired then a slow recovery back to almost normal. But this time I see the difference and I hear in him some annoyance that he is not rebounding the same way. A few weeks ago the physicians assistant at the oncology center explained that fatigue will be cumulative and gradually it would lap itself until tired is tired all the time. That seemed far away until this time. Now he sleeps later, sits longer, naps more. He does errands and chores each day but they seem more significant now, taking more energy.

John met with a nutritionist who prescribed a regimen of organic foods, no preservatives, some supplements and a changed proportion of protein to carbs. It’s a lot like the South Beach diet: always eat protein when you are eating any carbs. I understood right away: it’s about stabilizing blood sugar and keeping metabolism on an even keel. Makes sense though not easy to do when nothing tastes good and all food preparation is a chore. Baby steps I say to him. We’ll buy more organic, try some of the stores she recommends, and balance more protein into our diet. This will be good for me too.

I’m becoming aware of the energy needs I am going to require as this progresses. I am working fulltime, writing as much as I can and trying to keep up with chores, healthcare and exercise of my own and keep a life. That feels important. How do I keep a life of my own? How do I take care of him and take care of me? This is where it gets very easy to feel sorry for myself and to want to be cared for. I need to collapse into something. Is that something God? I hear my friend Brigid saying, “Pray as if there is a God but live as if there is not.”